Final Fantasy TV!


<<Applause. Lights go up on a cozy looking little stage, where Kuja and Sephiroth are seated in two chairs. They are drinking tea and grinning>>

Kuja: Thank you, ladies and gentleman! You are too kind!

Sephiroth: Welcome to the show. You won’t BELIEVE the gossip we have today.

Kuja: But first, why not read some fan mail?

Sephiroth: Good idea, Kuja! As the most bishoden super-villains of all time, we get bags of mail a day!

Kuja: Okay, the first letter comes from … Ooh! Its from my planet, Gaia!

Sephiroth: Uh, that is so unfair. Your planet had a name … BOTH your planets did! And mine was just "The Planet".

Kuja: This letter is from a girl named ‘Melissa’, she writes: Dear Kuja and Sephiroth—OHMYGOSH you guys are sooo dreamy! I hope you read my letter on your show! And Kuja, you MUST tell me where you get your dresses! They are totally fab! Love, your biggest fan, Melissa. XOXO

Kuja: <<giggles>> WELL, Melissa, if you must know my secret, I buy my dresses in the very Alexandria that I tried to destroy! That’s right! Honey, if I’d have known that this gem of a dress shop existed there, well I’d just have Bahumut destroy Dali instead! Hehe!

Sephiroth: <<rolls his eyes>> Okay, here’s a letter from Dana in Midgar. Dana writes: Dear Sephy and Kuja, Geez, why does everyone always give you guys such a hard time. I mean, hasn’t, like, everyone considered destroying the world at some point in time? You guys just happen to be more ambitious. Anyway, best wishes—and Sephiroth, I have a poster of you on the ceiling over my bed, and I kiss it every night before I go to bed! Once I broke my nose jumping up to kiss you! Isn’t that the greatest? Love, Dana.

Kuja: Heh, what a weirdo!

Sephiroth: Hmph, well, here’s a letter from one of YOUR adoring fans, Kuja. Why don’t you read it?

Kuja: Okay! Let’s see… this one is from Pat! Pat writes: Yo, Kuja, Ever since I got locked up in the Lindblum Men’s Correctional Facility … uhh, maybe I won’t read this…

Sephiroth: Nonsense! <<snatches the letter>> Ever since I got looked up in the Lindblum Men’s Correctional Facility, I have been watching your show … and I have the hugest crush on you! You are the hottest babe I’ve ever seen!

Kuja: I am NOT A GIRL! When will people get that through their heads??

Sephiroth: Hmm … maybe when you stop dressing like one?

Kuja: Enough! I have my own personal style, okay? Hmph, I’d never expect a simpleton like you to understand the ways of a genome!

Sephiroth: Whatever, Kuja chan. Okay, here’s another letter: This one is from … Balamb Garden??

Kuja: Oh no, not again!

Sephiroth: <<reads letter>> Dear Sephiroth and Kuja: When are you guys going to let me be on your show? I’m a badass too, you know! And I’m totally bishoden! Waahhh!!! XXX – Seifer

Sephiroth and Kuja: <<both laugh out loud>>

Kuja: <<wiping tears from his eyes>> Ha ha! Seifer … bishoden? Give me a break!

Sephiroth: Totally! He doesn’t even have proportional hands!

Kuja: I KNOW! Who’s ever heard of a guy with hands that aren’t as big as his head?

Sephiroth: Alright, well, enough about us and our tortured good looks. Is this audience ready to hear all the latest Final Fantasy gossip?

Audience: YES!!

Kuja: Well, first of all, Her Highness of Alexandria is finally marrying her little lover boy Zidane.

Sephiroth: <<makes farting noise with his mouth>> BOR-ING!

Kuja: No kidding. But, oooh, did you hear: they’re having marital problems already!

Sephiroth: <<sips tea>> No!

Kuja: Yes! I hear Zidane has been unfaithful!

Sephiroth: Ugh, that monster. NOT that I’m surprised.

Kuja: Seriously.

Sephiroth: Well, I heard that Amarant is desperately begging Lani to date him.

Kuja: NO!

Sephiroth: YES! Can you believe that buffoon? As IF a raging badass like Lani would date a loser whose arms are as long as his whole body!

Kuja: I KNOW! I mean, I’m all for huge appendages, but I draw the line at arms.

Sephiroth: Indeed.

Kuja: Alright folks, well, that’s all the time we have for today. Tune in next week to see us converse with our guest General Beatrix, as we ask her the question:

Sephiroth: WHY did you turn good??

Kuja: She was so good at being bad!

Sephiroth: No kidding! And if she were a guy … she’d be totally bishoden!

Kuja: Well said. Ta-ta for now, folks! Join us again next week for Afternoon Tea!!


With chef Quina!

<<studio audience applause. Quina stands, flopping her tongue around, behind a counter lined with ingredients.>>

Quina: My show! Me eat!

<<audience laughs>>

Quina: Why you laugh? I make Frog Soup today! Me start with big gold frog, mmmm, good!

<<they laugh again>>

Quina: You laugh at Quina? Quina only make soup! Why you laugh?


Quina: Tell me, why laugh?

<<they laugh hysterically>>

Person in audience: She’s a genius!

Person next to her: I know! The complete absence of linking verbs! Its even better than: BAM!

Quina: You no laugh when Quina win Iron Chef next week!


<<Eiko sits on the floor on a studio stage, surrounded by pillows and other little girls. They are giggling and eating popcorn>>

Eiko: Oh my gawd, you guys we’re on!

Girls: <<they giggle>>

Eiko: Like, hello! And welcome to Downtime with Eiko … and her totally cool friends!

Girls: <<giggle>>

Eiko: I am, like, Princess Eiko of Lindblum, and this is my show where I talk about boys!

Girl with pigtails: You mean where you talk about Zidane??!

Eiko: Like, shut up Britney, or I’ll like, have my father be-head you!

Girls: <<giggle nervously>>

Eiko: SPEAKING of Zidane, he did like, the cutest thing the other day! Oh my gosh it was SO cute! He was walking around Alexandria, and he like, bent down to tie his shoe!

Girls: AWWW!

Eiko: I Know! It was just sooo darling. Hey, you guys—you know what I like about Zidane?

Girls: What?

Eiko: I love that little frilly collar that he wears! And that adorable bow! Its just totally sexy!

Girls: AWWW!

Eiko: Oh my gosh, you know what I’d do if anyone married Zidane, except for Dagger?

Girls: What?

Eiko: I’d like, totally summon Fernier on them and punch their ass to the moon!

Girls: Heh … <<sweatdrops all around>>

Eiko: But Dagger’s my girl. Really. I love her. <<grinds her teeth>> She’s like … a sister … to me. <<fire shoots out of her ears. The girls scream>> Oh my gosh you guys, you know what?

Girls: <<scared now>> W-what?

Eiko: You know what I’d do if any of you guys even like, looked at Zidane?

Girls: ….

Eiko: I’d like totally have you be-headed in front of a huge crowd, and then I’d like, hang your head on the castle doors as a warning to anyone else who has any ideas about checking out Zidane! <<giggles>>

Girls: <<Run screaming for the exit doors>>

Eiko: I just don’t want to be alone anymore!! <<cries>> Anyway! Join us again next week for more Zidane talk—and never stop dreaming of cute boys with monkey tails! Woo!


Ruby: <<holding a microphone. The audience is chanting: RUBY, RUBY! Behind her.>> Alright, ya’ll quiet down back there! Welcome to another wholesome episode of the Ruby Springer show! Since we left you last time, we were still talking to the Brawlin’ Brothers: Zorn and Thorn!

<<camera pans to Zorn and Thorn. Zorn is wearing all black with goth makeup, and Thorn is wearing a tutu>>

Ruby: Now, ya’ll, have you figured out what the root of your problem?

Thorn: He will not take me seriously!

Zorn: <<Points at Thorn>> Take me seriously, he will not!

Rudy: Alright now, maybe if ya’ll could try communicatin’ differently… maybe not just repeatin’ each other’s sentences in different word order??

Thorn: But he never listens to me!

Zorn: Listen to me, he never does!

Ruby: Dammit, ya’ll! I give up. Would the audience like to say anything?

Woman in audience: <<stands up>> Yah, I’d just like ta say, Ruu-by, that them two boys is pretty stoopid! And if ya’ll was my dogs I’d shave ya’lls butts and make ya’ll walk backwards!

<<audience cheers>>

Thorn: Yeah, well, you are a big, fat, hoe!

Zorn: A big fat hoe, you are!

Ruby: Alright, ya’ll calm down now. Our next guest is Zidane Triball, world renowned hero and boyfriend to Alexandria’s queen. Let’s give him a great big ole’ Ruby show welcome!

<<Zidane walks out in a white wife-beater shirt and cut off jean shorts. He does a few arm curls to show off his muscles before sitting down. All the girls go ga-ga>>

Ruby: Hey, Zidane! Lookin’ good, babe!

Zidane: Ruby <<blows her a kiss>> Mon cherie.

Ruby: Now, Zidane, why have you come on the show today?

Zidane: <<lets out a big sigh and ‘adjusts himself’>> Well, I been havin’ some problems with my woman.

Girl in audience: I’ll be your woman honey!

Audience: <<Whoops and cheers>>

Ruby: Wait just a doggone minute there, ya’ll. What kinda problems, Zidane?

Zidane: Well, I suspect she’s cheatin’ on me.

Rudy: Holy geepers golly gee! Why would the Queen do such a thing?

Zidane: Well … maybe as revenge. I kinda .. cheated on her.

Audience: <<Boos and jeers>>

Zidane: Hey you ****** *******s! I’ll take you all on, right now! let’s go!

Dagger: <<runs out from backstage. She’s wearing a black hoochie mama dress and four inch heels. She’s carrying a chair, and she runs over to beat Zidane with it.>> You cheatin’ bastard! I knewed it!

Zidane: Aack! Honey! I didn’t mean nothin’ by it!

Dagger: Well, to hell with you! Its too late for you … I’ve got a new man, now!

Zidane: WHAT? Who?

Dagger: Blank.

Zidane and Ruby: WHATT???

Dagger: That’s right. We found out you two had an affair so we done had one ourselves to get revenge!

Blank: <<walks out carrying roses. He hands them to Dagger and she hugs him. Zidane runs over, grabs the flowers, and starts beating Blank over the head with them.>>

Blank: Zidane! We’re still brothas right??

Zidane: *&$&@*(&#*(&@#(*&*!!!!!

Ruby: <<runs down and starts hitting Blank with the microphone>> You cheater!

Blank: ME? You slept with Zidane first!

Dagger: Damn you, Ruby! <<comes at her with a chair>>

Zorn and Thorn: <<randomly grab Dagger and start extracting her Eidolens>>

Zidane: Ack! Unhand my wife! <<Starts dueling with Zorn. The Audience throws money at them. Queen Brahne is not impressed.>>

Eiko: <<Runs onstage>> Zidane! My love! Now you’re free to be mine!

Zidane: Agggh!! Who let Eiko on the set??? I have a restraining order you know!!!


Sephiroth and Kuja: <<look into the studio from the hallway>>

Kuja: Tsk, tsk. What a bunch of animals!

Sephiroth: You said it.

Quina: <<eats Kuja>>

Sephiroth: Ackkk! You ate my best friend! Nooooo! Actually … now I’m the sole star of Afternoon Tea … Mwahahaha!

Quina: Taste bad!

Ruby: <<claws her way out of the melee, panting>> Well ….pant, pant… that’s all the time we have! And my final thought for today is ….

<<Dagger grabs her and yanks her back into the fight>>

Ruby: HELP!


The End. : P