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An Inverse Ode to Sidís Schnozz

 

 

O, Sidís nose, how do I loathe thee?

Let me count the ways Ö

Sidís nose, I hate you because you are a careless hotdog thrown on a human body for comic relief.

Sidís nose, I hate you because you look like a disgustingly skinny wiener, and the show should be rated MA because of your presence.

Sidís nose, I hate you because when Sid takes off his baseball cap, I bet you fall of off his head, or have a huge crease at the top of you where he was wearing the cap. And that is just gross.

Sidís nose, I hate you because you smell like ham, but you taste like bologna.

Sidís nose, I hate you because if you were a person, youíd be the kind of joker who goes to Tower Records and tries to buy a Ricky Martin CD with old Turtles coins, and then acts all insulted when the cashier tells you that Turtles went out of business in 1996, and even if there were still Turtles stores, of course you couldnít use their voucher coins here, because this is Tower Records. And then, Sidís nose, you would scream "Whatíare you, calliní me a LIAR?" and the cashier would have to get her manager, because, Sidís nose, she is just not trained to deal with this kind of situation.

I hate you Sidís nose, because you always order veal parmesan.

I hate you Sidís nose, because you think Panama City is classy.

I hate you Sidís nose, because in real life, I bet youíre really shiny.

Sidís nose, I hate you because you are destined to ruin a perfectly good woman. Because Sid will grow up to marry somebody like Oskarís Suzie, only she wonít make Sid sandwiches on demand, or write Arnoldís Romeo and Juliet lines on little slips of paper because Sid tells her toóNo, sheíll cater to YOU, Sidís nose. You will become her obsession, and against her will she will wait on you hand and foot, and take pictures of you on vacation in Sicily, and buy a piano because you always wanted to be able to say that you could play Vivaldiís Four Seasons. And she will daydream about having YOUR children, Sidís nose, but of course she wonít, because that would be disgusting.

And that, Sidís nose, is why I hate you.