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The Married Life Of Angels

 

Yes, everyone who would bother to come to this (or any) Final Fantasy site probably thinks that Cloud and Aeris are the perfect couple—just like Cait Sith predicted. And probably about half of you (or more) think that Aeris should have lived and gone on to marry Cloud. Yeah, well, THEN WHAT?? Would they’re love really be so timeless if she hadn’t expired so soon? Well here’s my take on things.

In this fan fiction Cloud and Aeris are living in the Costa Del Sol Villa and have been married for two weeks. Unfortunately for them the rest of the gang, who was living there before, is still hanging around because none of them have jobs or a place to live.

 

Cloud: <<Wakes up and yawns>> Good morning honey.

Aeris: Huh? << rolls over>> Why do you wake up so early?

Cloud: Oh, you know. Old habits from solider. Sohow awake are you feeling right now?

Aeris: Forget it Cloud, I’m too tired.

Cloud: << grudgingly>> Hey, no problem, Tifa’s right down the hall

Aeris: Not funny Cloud.

Cloud: Yeah, I’m just kidding. But you know how it is when you’re in the mood?

Aeris: Why don’t you go polish you’re sword for awhile?

Cloud: <<laughs>> No, I’m gonna go eat breakfast

Aeris: Alright

Cloud: <<gets out of bed >>

Aeris: <<sweetly>> And Cloud?

Cloud: Yes?

Aeris: STAY AWAY FROM TIFA!!!

In the kitchen—Barret and Tifa are eating Count Chocula

Vincent: <<walks in >> Hey, what’s this supposed to mean?

Tifa: What?

Vincent: Never mind

Cloud: <<comes in>> Hey, everyone! Good morning!

Vincent: Why are you always in such a good mood? Is she that great in bed?

Cloud: HEY SHUT UP YOU BLOOD SUCKING FREAK!!! THAT’S MY WIFE YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT!!!

Vincent: <<hisses>> I’m gonna go play Pokemon.

Tifa: All he ever does is play his damn gameboydo you like my new bikini Cloud?

Cloud: No. I mean why are you wearing a bikini around the house. Damn you!

Tifa: Hey we are living at the beach

Cloud: Right. Sorry. So what’s up Barret?

Barret: << reading comics>> Damn Family Circus

Yuffie: << walks in>> Cloud, I demand you make Vincent stop playing gameboy all the time!

Tifa: Why don’t you just steal it from him?

Cloud: Good morning Yuff

Yuffie: Oh shove it Cloud. I’m sick of your damn cheerfulness

Cait Sith: Alright, who gave Sephiroth our new number

Barret: Well I didn’t think it would mattersince he was dead

Tifa: Barret has this thing about leaving his number with the deceased

Cait Sith: Well he brought himself back to life, again, dumbass! Didn’t you learn your lesson last time?

Barret: << still reading comics>> damn Garfield. Who understands this stuff?

Cait Sith: Uh, learning to read might help, Barret

Barret: Shud up

Aeris: <<comes in>> Hello all

Cloud: Come sit in my lap

Cid: <<walks in >> make sure he has his fly zipped up!

Aeris: Go to hell Cid!

Cait Sith: << laughs>>

Aeris: << sits in Cloud’s lap and he kisses her shoulders. Tifa fumes>> so what are we going to do today?

Cait Sith: Sit around and watch dragon ball z

Cid: Where’s my goddamn breakfast? Why don’t you hire a f**king cook, Cloud?

Cloud: Shut up! Tifa does the cooking around here.

Red XIII: << walks in>> I have an idea of what we can do today.

Aeris: What is it red?

RedXIII: They’re having a Science Fiction convention at Gold Saucer. Let’s go there!

Yuffie: Ew no, that’s stupid

Cloud: Fine then you can sit here alone all day. I want to go.

Aeris: Me too, but first I gotta go take a shower. Cloud?

Cloud: I’m there!

<<they walk off together >>

Tifa: << flames shooting out of her ears >>

Cait Sith: yikes! Relax, woman!

<<they hear moans from Aeris and Cloud’s room>>

Cid: way to go Cloud! Woo-hoo!

Tifa: << angry>> that’s it!

Barret: << still reading comics >> damn Cathy. What the hell is up with that b***h?

<<Tifa runs into the living room, where Vincent is on the couch playing Pokemon>>

Vincent: Go! Pikachu!

Tifa: shut that stupid thing off for a minute

Vincent: go away Teef

Tifa: I demand that you sleep with me right away.

Vincent: huh? Why?

Tifa: to make Cloud jealous

Vincent: Tifa, he wouldn’t care. He’d probably be happy you moved on. And anyway<<whisper>> I’ve sort of got a thing for Yuffie

Tifa: hmm, I always thought you had a thing for men.

Vincent: Burn.

Tifa: well, that does it! If not you then who? CID?

Cid: somebody say my name?

Tifa: NO get out. Vincent and I are having a conversation ALONE!!

Vincent: shhh—Yuffie will hear!

Tifa: << groans and storms out of the house>>

 

LATER

Cloud: Is everybody ready to go?

Red XIII: Hang on, I’m watching Dragon Ball Z

Cloud: come on you hound! You can see the DBZ exhibit at the convention

RedXIII: << drooling over Goku’s pecs>> Alright, I’m coming

Vincent: Ooh, will they have a Pokemon center?

Cloud: << frowns>> Enough

Vincent: Well, I’m bringing my new Pokemon yellow

Cid: Let’s go! I’m getting f***ing bored hanging around your place all day, Cloud

MINUTES LATER—IN THE BUGGY ON THE WAY TO GOLD SAUCER

Vincent: <<looking up from his gameboy>> All we ever do is go to Gold Saucer

Cloud: Yeah, so? Gold Saucer brings back great memories.

Barret: <<scoffs>> Yah, like da time we was thrown in prison after Sephiroth went on a murderous rampage there

Cait Sith: Actually that was Dyne.

Barret: <<in Cait’s face>> WHAT THE HELL DO YOU KNOW???

Cait Sith: A lot more than you ass face!!

Barret: <<enraged>> You son of a-- << pulls out his gun arm and prepares to use Mindblow>>

Cait Sith: Go ahead, dork—it’s your worst limit anyway.

Aeris: Hey, stop it you two, we’re almost there. <<to Cloud>> Geez, sometimes I feel like we already have seven children.

Cloud: << GULP>>

Aeris: Alright, let’s see what’s on the radio hmm, hmm, hmm <<flips around on the dial>>

Aeris: Oh, here’s a good song by Train.

Cid: Wait, let me get out my Hank Williams Jr. CD..

All: NO!!!!

Barret: Well I got my Janet Jackson tapes—

All: ……..

Vincent: Erk, get out of Barret’s body. YOU ARE NOT BLACK!

Cloud: Let Aeris pick the radio station—she’s driving.

Yuffie: Ok, fine, but I get to drive on the way home

Cid: Oh no, I’m not listening to that Spice Girls shit!!

Aeris: (does Yuffie even have a license? WaitDO I???)

Yuffie: Oh, shove it, Cid. << walks to Vincent>> I can’t BELIEVE you are still playing that damn thing!!! GROW UP!!!!

<<Yuffie goes to the back of the car to barf>>

Vincent: What did I say?

Aeris: Er, nothing Vinnie—she just has motion sickness

Cait Sith: << laughing>> Yuffie gets motion sickness from walking.

Vincent: Leave her alone. <<gets back to Pokemon>>

Cid: Hey, has anyone noticed that Tifa isn’t here??!!

Yuffie: So? She can do whatever she wants. She doesn’t have to go every where with us. <<barfs again. It gets all over Red XIII>>

Red XIII: GREAT NOW I HAVE TO MEET GOKU LOOKING LIKE CRAP!!!!

Cait Sith: And smelling like it.

Cloud: Oh so THAT’S why you wanted to go, Red. I should have known—you have all of those Naked Goku screen savers.

RedXIII: STOP HACKING INTO MY COMPUTER CLOUD!!! #$#%#^%&&^^!!!!!!!!

Aeris: <<now listening to old 80’s songs>> <<whispers to Cloud>> Did you tell Cait Sith weum.. wereintimateon the gondola??

Cloud: I don’t exactly discuss our sex life with Cait Sith, sweetheart.

Aeris: Hmmeither way I thought it might be fun

Cloud: <<smiles, anime sweatdrop>> Ha ha. We might break the thing.

Aeris: <<laughs>> Yeah Cloud do you think Tifa is okay?

Cloud: (who cares?) Umyes?

Aeris: I hope she doesn’t do anything rash.

SHINRA HEADQUATERS

Rufus: Elena, I feel tense. Why don’t you give me a back rub?

Elena: That’s sexual harassment in the work place.

Rufus: (you call this dump a work place?) Yeah, well I’M THE PRESIDENT!!

Elena: Go screw yourself, Rufus.

Scarlett: <<drools>>

Rufus: <<walks into the gym>> Hey, Tseng. What’s up with Elena? She’s such a b***h today?

Tseng: Hmm. I noticed. She usually kisses our asses. Save the bitchiness for Rude and Reno.

Rufus: Is it that time of the month or what?

Tseng. Hmm. No. I think Elena is barren

Rufus: EW how would you know?

Tseng: (well there is my degree in gynecology) Never mind. I think she’s having relationship problems with Reno.

Rufus: WHO SAID RENO WAS ALLOWED TO DATE ELENA??!!??

Tseng: I imagine they made the decision on their own, sir.

Rufus: Don’t call me sir. It makes me nervous. I’M the KING OF WORLD! She shouldn’t be able to do anything with him without my permission.

Tseng: No I think Sephiroth is the king of the world. He recently resurrected himself.

Rufus: Shit how discouraging for Cloud.

Tseng: Huh? Cloud?

Rufus: Well call Sephiroth and invite him for dinner. We haven’t had a good get together in awhile.

Tseng: What about Cloud’s bachelor party? That was fun.

Rufus: Yeah I can’t believe we got Sephy drunk! Haha! Memories

Tifa: <<enters the room>> Hey, Elena said you might be in here.

Rufus: Huh? Strife’s friend? How did you get in here?

Tifa: Climbed like a million stairs.

Rufus: Oh, yeah, we should get an alarm system or something for those. Anywaywhat do you want?

Tifa: I want to join the Turks.

Tseng: Yeah, right. Nice trick, you little spy.

Tifa: I’m serious! I’ve had about enough of Cloud’s rejection.

Rufus: Me too! I mean, um well this could be useful. Do you think you could convince him to come to a little shindig I’m throwing tonite?

Tifa: Maybe. If you let me join.

Rufus: Well, okay. Tseng, take a memo for me.

Tseng: Sure.

Rufus: Note to self: Fire Elena. Hire Tifa.

MEANWHILE, AT GOLD SAUCER

RedXIII: Where IS he??

Cait Sith: Cheer up, Red. Look there’s Krelein and Gohan. Let’s ask them.

Krelein: Hey, you kids want an autograph?

Gohan: Whoa, those are weird costumes. What series are they from?

Cait Sith: They’re fromum the Adventures of Red Caitand the marshmallow guy—from Ghostbusters.

Gohan: Oh, cool.

RedXIII: ENOUGH TALK!!! WHERE’S GOKU???

Krelein: Oh, that bum? I think he went off with Bulma.

RedXIII: THAT GOKU-STEALER!! I’LL SEE HER DEAD!!

Gohan: Be my guest.

Krelein: Hey!

Gohan: Oh, get over it Krelein. It’s pathetic.

MEANWHILE, AT THE WONDER SQUARE, VINCENT IS IN LINE TO PRINT HIS POKEMAN STICKERS AT THE NEW MACHINE.

Yuffie: Hey, Vincent.

Vincent: Want to keep me company while I wait?

Yuffie: No. <<she stays anyway>>

Vincent: I’m so excited! Pokemon stickers!

Yuffie: Wow, I’ve never seen you show emotion before. Hey, Vincent this is lame. Let’s go hang out in the Event Square.

Vincent: ( Pokemon or Yuffie??!! For the love of Pikachu!!) Uh

Yuffie: Come on, I’ll make it worth your while. <<Pulls him out of line>>

MEANWHILE, ON THE GONDOLA(!!!!)

Aeris: OhhhhCloud.

Cloud: Mmmmm.Aeris.

Gondola Operator: what the heck is wrong with that thing? Never seen it rock like THAT before

AT THE WONDER SQUARE:

Barret: <<<playing the arm wrestling game>>> ER!!! I hate this damn thing! <<shoves another 100 gil into the slot>>

Cid: Hey, do you ever think Cloud minds that we use his house and eat all of his food?

Barret: <<loses again>> DAMN!!! Huh? I try not to think about the foo’ at all.

Cid: Hmm. I hope he doesn’t mind. Cause I need to ask him a favor.

Barret: what?

Cid: Well, you know how I take the Tiny Bronco home to Rocket Town on weekends to be with Shera?

Barret: Yeah? What does that have to do with Cloud?

Cid: WellShera is sort of...preganant.

Barret: Oh man. Same thing happened to me.

Cid: Really?

Barret: Yeah—where do you think Marlene came from? You should marry her.

Cid: MARLENE??!!

Barret: NO FOO’ ! I’D KICK YO ASS! I meant Shera!

Cid: (hey, where IS Marlene these days?) Yeah I know—that’s the favor I have to ask Cloud. I want to live at the Villa with Shera and the baby.

Barret: <<scoffs and puts more money in the machine>>> Good luck. I think Cloud’s about ready to throw all our asses out onto the street.

<< Suddenly they see Goku run by, screaming, and being chased by Red XIII>>>

Goku: Ew, that lion smells like BARF!!!

BACK AT THE EVENT SQUARE, YUFFIE AND VINCENT SIT TOGETHER AND STARE AT THE EMPTY STAGE.

Yuffie: Hey, Vincent—what’s your main ambition in life? And DON’T say—

Vincent: COLLECTING ALL 151 POKEMAN!!!

Yuffie: <<slouches down and grumbles to herself>>

Vincent: Why?

Yuffie: I’m trying to get to know you, dweeb.

Vincent: DweebAwww that’s such a Yuffie thing to say.

Yuffie: <<grins, and then frowns abruptly>> Wait, are you taking me seriously?

Vincent: Yes

Yuffie: What that under your cape?? ARE YOU PLAYING POKEMAN???!!?!??!!?

ON THE GONDOLA

Aeris: <<<buttoning up her dress>> Mmmm, this ride is too short.

Cloud: <<eyes half-closed with dopey smile>>> Yeahrideshort

Aeris: <<rolls her eyes and smiles>> Stop acting so goofy. Here, let me get that. <<she pulls his shirt back on for him>> <<kisses him on the nose>>

Cloud: Well, I don’t know about you—but I have a new favorite ride at Gold Saucer.

Aeris: <<laughs, plays with his hair>> Definitely. Cloud, now that we’re alone, I want to talk to you about something.

Cloud: Hmm?

Aeris: First of all, I love our friends.

Cloud: (uh oh, what does that mean? )

Aeris: I mean, they’re like our family. ButI don’t know if you’ve noticed but our house is a little crowdedlately.

Cloud: If this is about Barret spying on us—

Aeris: No, no, I should say he knows better after the talk you had with him (or the talk your sword had with his head) I just think it’s time wehelped a few of them find places of their own.

Cloud: Well most of them have places. But do you really want to send Vincent back to the Shinra mansion? Or Barret back to Correl?

Aeris: No, that’s not what I meant—Cloud I KNEW you would take this the wrong way.

Cloud: Well what do you mean? I mean, none of them have jobs.

Aeris: I know it’s just

Cloud: Is this about Cid leaving the toilet seat up?

Aeris: no—

Cloud: Red’s disgusting obsession with anime porn?

Aeris: no it’s nothing so specific. I like seeing them, you know, it’s just that I don’t want to see them 24 HOURS A DAY!!

Cloud: <<sighs>> Yeah, you’re right. I know. Sometimes I feel like we never get to be alone.

Aeris: You said it. Sometimes I wish we could just live on a deserted island—me and you. Alone.

<<He kisses her and starts to un-button her dress>>

Aeris: Stop, Cloud—the ride’s almost over.

Cloud: Right. Sorry. Anyway, I’ve got an idea.

Aeris: What is it?

Cloud: Let’s go on a vacation! We could go to Cactus island—or Wutai—or even your hometown, up north.

Aeris: <<Smiles>> Mmm, that would be nice. We could snowboard all day and rent a warm little cottage

Cloud: With lots of flannel blankets.

Aeris: And Magic Fingers! <<they both laughed>> Good idea. <<she kisses him on the forehead>> I can’t wait!

Cloud: Yeahwe’d better leave Vincent in charge. Hopefully the others won’t burn the house down while we’re gone.

 

MEANWHILE IN EVENT SQUARE

Yuffie: If you play Pokemon one more time I’m kicking your ass

Vincent: <<turned on>>

Yuffie: Vincent, can I ask you a question?

Vincent: I suppose.

Yuffie: Can I kiss you?

Vincent: <<surprised. Anime sweatdrop>> wellyes I guess you can. (hey I love aggressive women.)

Yuffie: OK. <<licks her lips>> Get ready.

Vincent: <<grabs hold of his seat>> umokay.

Yuffie: <<straddles him and plants a big one on his lips>>

Vincent: <<melts>>

Yuffie: <<climbs off him and sits back in her seat. Looks at him>> So? How was it?

Vincent: <<<still melting>>> uhhh. It was good.

Yuffie: Hmph! Is that all?

Vincent: I dunno. Let’s not talk for awhile.

Yuffie: <<<big sigh>>> you’re so weird. I’ll talk if I want to. You don’t have to say anything. <<<Looks at him>> You’re all I think about these days.

Vincent: ……….

Yuffie: Well, there you go. I said it. Maybe I just caught the love bug from Aeris and Cloud. I’m just acting like a fool. Ignore me.

Vincent: <<swallows>> Idon’t knowwhat to say

Yuffie: So don’t say anything. Forget it.

Vincent: No. <<<leans over and kisses her>>>

Yuffie: <<<dramatic sigh>>> Oh, Vinnie. <<<leans in for another one>>>

Barret: HEY! Vince! Yuff-meat! Is that YOU?? Well, whateva—come on, we’re leaving. Red got thrown out of the park for stalking some Japanese guy.

Vincent: <<<turns red>>> oh, sorry, Yuffie. I’m so embarrassed.

Yuffie: Get over it, Vince. You need some practice in the kissing department. We’ll work on that later. Let’s go.

THEY ARRIVE BACK AT THE VILLA

Tifa: <<<sitting at the kitchen table>>> Hey, the Shinra police just called. Apparently, Red XIII is under some kind of house arrest?

Cait Sith: Yeahdon’t ask. We already tranquilized him.

Cloud: Tifa! How come you didn’t go with us?

Tifa: I was hanging out with some friends.

All: (friends???)

Tifa: Yeah, they’re throwing this kick-ass party tonight. They said I could bring you guys.if you want.

Vincent: UhhYuffie and I have an.appointment

Yuffie: <<running past him, towards the bathroom>> never mind that, Vincent. I have to go throw up.

Cait Sith: Yeah she was WALKING too fast! Ha ha!

Vincent: Shut your pie-hole, Sith!

Anakin: Sith?

Barret: Get that kid outta here! He’s the one who’s always comin’ around for my Marlene!

All: (where IS Marlene?)

Aeris: Sounds like fun Tifa! I could go for some dancing.

Cid: I could go for some hard liqueur.

Tifa: Oh, they’ll have that there. <<thinking of Reno>>

Vincent: I’m gonna go check on Yuffie.

Cloud: I’m up for a round of Mario Kart if anyone is interested.

Barret and Cait Sith: I AM!!!

Cid: I can’t believe it’s three o’clock in the afternoon and I’m not drunk yet.

Vincent: <<knocks on bathroom door>>> Yuffie?

Yuffie: DO YOU MIND?? I’M TRYING TO BARF HERE!!

Vincent: ugh. Sorry. (I hate girls) <<walks off>>

Aeris: <<<knocks on door>>> Yuff?

Yuffie: <<whisper>> Is the coast clear?

Aeris: Yeahcome talk to me!

<<<They go out onto the beach>>>

Aeris: What’s wrong, Yuff? You didn’t hit it off with Vincent?

Yuffie: <<groans>> No, I did. It was great. He was great. He’s so sweet and innocent

Aeris: <<laughs>> So what’s the problem?

Yuffie: Now that I know he likes meI’m scared!

Aeris: Why Yuffie? It’s just Vincent. Don’t you trust him?

Yuffie: No offense—but I just don’t want to become a love-sick fool.

Aeris: <<offended>> Does every one think I’m a love sick fool?

Yuffie: No we think that about Tifa. (whew that was close. Me and my big mouth)

Aeris: Oh, well that’s because she loves someone who’s not interested.

Yuffie: <<sighs>> I dunno. It’s complicated.

Aeris: Well, obviously I’m not helping. Why don’t you go talk to him?

Yuffie: Okay, I have to face my fears. Right.

Aeris: Don’t be afraid of him, Yuff. Remember—he’s your friend.

<<<They go back to the Villa>>

Aeris: I’m gonna go take a nap before we go out.

Cloud: <<abandons his Mario Kart game>> I’m there!

Tifa: <<Growls as they disappear into their bedroom>>>

Vincent: Oh, come on Tifa. Maybe you’ll meet someone at the party tonight.

Yuffie: Hey, can I talk to you Vincent?

Tifa: Excuse me? I was talking to him.

Vincent: See ya Tifa. <<walks off with Yuffie>>

Tifa: I hate boys

IN VINCENT’S BEDROOM

Yuffie: Gee, I’ve never been in your room before.

Vincent: What did you want to talk about?

Yuffie: Oh…things.

Vincent: Like what?

Yuffie: Just…stuff…

Vincent: What stuff…?

Yuffie: Um…I wanted to talk to you…about Pokemon...yeah…

Vincent: <<<sits down next to her on his bed>>> I don’t want to talk about Pokemon. (!!)

Yuffie: Well, that’s a first.

Vincent: I know. Yuffie are you gonna keep acting weird? Cause I’m no better at this than you…

Yuffie: What’s that supposed to mean?

Vincent: Don’t get mad.

Yuffie: <<sighs>> I’m not mad.

Vincent: Good.

Yuffie: …..Vincent?

Vincent: Yeah?

Yuffie: I’ll…never steal your materia.

Vincent: (oh my GAWD—That’s like the ULTIMATE YUFFIE COMMITMENT!)….Okay.

Yuffie: ….Vincent?

Vincent: hmm?

Yuffie: Kiss me again?

Vincent: Uh-huh. <<leans in and gives her a big one>>

Yuffie: <<grabs Vincent’s face>> No, no—it’s more like this—

 

 

 

TO BE CONTINUED….

 

NOW!

Part 2: " A Dinner I Have to Attend"

 

Cloud: I can’t believe you’re actually looking forward to a party that Tifa invited us to

Aeris: I just want to meet her "mystery" friends.

Cloud: Yeah, right.

Cid: Hey, you seen my red wife-beater shirt around?

Cloud: Get out of our room!

Cid: &*%$%$#)&*^&^$##%^#$#@^%#&!!!!!

Cloud: I’ve about had it with that guy…

Aeris: <<sigh>> something seems to be bothering him.

Cloud: A swift kick to the ass is going to be bothering him real soon if he doesn’t start acting like a human being.

Aeris: We’d better go or we’re going to be late.

Cloud: Alright, I’ll go round everybody up.

<<Goes to Barret and RedXIII’s room. RedXIII is still out like a light, and Barret is looking at Red’s screen saver…>>

Cloud: uh, Barret?

Barret: <<jumps out of his chair>> Jesus, Cloud! Wha the hiel you doin sneakin up on me like that! Foo’ !

Cloud: Um, we’re leaving for the party now. <<leaves the room. Shudders>> (note to self: put parental controls on the computer in their room…)

<<<walks to Cid and Cait Sith’s room.>>>

Cloud: hey, guys, let’s go! <<Cait is reading comic books. Cid is still looking for his shirt.>>>

Cait Sith: Tell Cid to stop putting his stuff on my side of the room! Look at this! Army men, dirty boxer shorts—magazines about trucks!! I’ve had it! <<picks up a load of Cid’s junk and throws it at him.>>

Cid: Hey mother f****er! You wanna throw down?!

Cloud: Cait Sith stop it! You start too many fights! <<leaves the room>> (oh man…)

<<<walks over to Vincent’s room. Hears kissing noises>>>

Cloud: (oh man, I hope he’s not having another Lucreacia episode!) <<<Cloud opens the door to find Yuffie in Vincent’s arms>>>

Yuffie: Hey, why don’t you knock?

Vincent: <<lets go of her and stands up>> Um, yes Cloud?

Cloud: Yuffie get out of here for a minute. Go get ready for the party.

<<Yuffie walks out, grumbling.>>

Cloud: Hey, Vincent, what’s going through your head?

Vincent: ………

Cloud: Isn’t she a little young for you?!??

Vincent: What are you talking about Cloud?….Why? How old IS Yuffie?

Cloud: Oh, my god—you don’t even KNOW? YUFFIE IS EIGHTEEN!!

Vincent: WHAT?!

Cloud: It’s true.

Vincent: Oh, man she IS young…but…

Cloud: Vincent! You’re 27!

Vincent: I know. I know. I just wanted a normal girlfriend….

Cloud: <<stifles laughter>> (Yuffie? Normal?)

Vincent: Man, NOW what am I going to do?

Cloud: Just come to the party with us and forget about it.

Vincent: Oh great. I hate parties. Where is it?

Cloud: It’s at that new resort they built in Junon.

Cid: Has anyone seen Tifa?

Cloud: She went to the party early to help her friends get ready…Why?

Cid: The UPS guy needs her to sign for her shipment of orthopedic underwear.

Cloud: Oh, God. Let’s GO.

ON THE WAY TO JUNON, IN THE HIGHWIND-

Cloud: Aeris, you’re not going to believe this…

Aeris: What?

Cloud: <<whispers>> Vincent was trying to put the moves on YUFFIE today!

Aeris: Yeah, I know. Isn’t it great?

Cloud: GREAT!??!? What about they’re age difference??

Aeris: Oh, come on, Cloud, don’t be so conventional. YOU’RE younger than me, after all.

Cloud: <<anime sweatdrop>> Yeah—ONE YEAR!!

Aeris: Whatever. I think you’re getting upset about nothing.

Cloud: Hmph! <<crosses his arms and frowns>>

Yuffie: <<<throws up all over Cosmo Canyon as they fly over it>>

RedXIII: Hey, stop throwing up on my ancestors!!

Yuffie: <<aims her barf at Red XIII>>

RedXIII: AHHH! NOT AGAIN! WHAT IF GOKU IS AT THE PARTY!!???!?

Vincent: (I should say something to her) …..Yuffie….

Yuffie: <<<barfs>>>

Vincent: Umm…. (man I suck at this…)

RedXIII: <<<secretly plotting revenge>>> (I’m gonna eat a bunch of raw eggs and stuff and barf all over Yuffie and Wutai on the way home! WaHaHa!!!)

Cid: Quit pukin’ all over my @^$%^*^ ship!!!

Cait Sith: Cloud, Barret is looking at me funny!

Cloud: Stop it Barret.

Barret: <<<looks at Cait Sith funny>>>

Cait Sith: He’s doin it again!!!

Cloud: Barret I’m warning you…

Barret: <<<looks at Cait Sith funny>>

Cait Sith: ACK! Stop this madness! CCCCLLLLLOOOOUUUUDDDD!!!!!!!!1

Cloud! Dammit, Barret—that’s strike three! <<Grabs the Ultima Weapon>>

Aeris: Hang on, Cloud. <<<casts Seal Evil on Barret and Cait Sith. They fall asleep>>>

Cloud: Oh, thanks, sweetie.

Aeris: My pleasure.

Cid: Goddammit! Barret was my navigator!!

All: Huh?

Cloud: Everyone needs to sit down and shut the hell up! All you do lately is act like babies! Except you, Vincent, you’re the favorite.

All except Vincent: <<<sad>>> awwww…..

Vincent: I still feel neglected. <<<starts playing Pokemon>>>

Barret: <<<wakes up>>> What da hell? <<immediately starts looking at Cait Sith funny>>>

Cait Sith: <<wakes up and sees Barret>>> Agghh!!!

RedXIII: oh my God….<<groans>>>

Cait Sith: CLOUD!!

Cloud: <<raises his buster sword over Cait’s head>>

Vincent: AHHHHH! I KILLED ONIX!!!!!

Aeris: (Blake?)

Yuffie: <<barfs. Gets dehydrated from loss of bodily fluids>>> Uhhh….are we almost there…? <<passes out>>>

Vincent: <<throws his Pokemon aside>>> YUFFIE-- MY LOVE!!!

All: ………

Vincent: uhh…I mean…oh…dear…Yuffie has…fainted. <<goes to her>>>

Cloud: ahem! NINE YEARS!!

Vincent: <<<scowls. Goes back to his Pokemon game>>>

Aeris: <<really angry (for Aeris)>> Cloud!

Barret: <<uses high-potion on Yuffie>>>

Yuffie: <<wakes up>> Are we there yet??

THEY ARRIVE AT THE JUNON COUNTRY CLUB

Cloud: What’s with all the Shinra goonies here? <<lightbulb>> Tifa! They must have tricked her into coming so they could sabotage Avalanche!!

<<draws his Ultima Weapon>>

Cloud: PREPARE TO DIE YOU ROTTEN TIFA STEALERS!!

Everyone at Party: <<<falls silent and stares at Cloud>>

Aeris: (oh my god, he’s so embarrassing. I can’t take him anywhere…)

Hostess: Um, sir, we have a No Ultima Weapon policy here.

Cloud: Oh, heh, heh, of course. <<puts it away. Looks at everyone in the room>> Ha ha..uh…my mistake…folks…

<<crickets>>

Tifa: Cloud! You came!

Cloud: <<under his breath>> What IS this??

Tifa: It’s a party Rufus is throwing for all his friends.

Cloud: FRIENDS??!!? Rufus considers ME a friend??

Tifa: Oh man, ( and a lot more!) Do we need to talk

Aeris: (fine, ignore me and talk to Tifa! I’ll show him…) <<wanders off>>

Cloud: (where is Aeris going? Oh, forget it, I’m mad at her anyway.)

<<music starts playing>>

Tifa: Come dance with me and I’ll fill you in.

Cloud: Alright. But no hands below the belt.

Tifa: Aww…

Vincent: <<standing awkwardly near the entrance>> Yuffie.

Yuffie: uhhh…I still feel queasy. God damn motorized vehicles…

Vincent: Yuffie.

Yuffie: Stupid RedXIII, does he think I don’t know what he’s doing—eating all those raw eggs and Krystal burgers over there.

Rude: Mmmm…Krystal burgers…

Vincent: Yuffie.

Yuffie: WHAT??

Vincent: Cloud thinks our relationship is inappropriate.

Yuffie: Cloud also thinks that making your hair stick up like there’s an upside down rail road pike stuck in your head is cool. What’s your point?

Vincent: He may seem ridiculous to some. But Cloud is my hero.

All who heard: ??????

Vincent: Therefore, I cannot see you anymore. <<walks off>>

Yuffie: ugh, melodrama. I think I’m gonna barf…

RedXIII: OH, Yuff-ie…<<his stomach makes funny noises>>>

Yuffie: AHHHH! <<<runs>>>

Barret: <<<Looks at Cait Sith>>>

Cait Sith: Stop it.

Barret: <<<Looks at Cait Sith>>>

Cait Sith: Stop it.

Barret: <<<Looks at Cait Sith>>>

Cait Sith: Stop it.

Barret: <<<Looks at Cait Sith>>>

Cait Sith: Stop it.

Barret: <<<Looks at Cait Sith>>>

Cait Sith: Stop it.

Barret: <<<Looks at Cait Sith>>>

Cait Sith: Stop it.

Barret: <<<Looks at Cait Sith>>>

Cait Sith: Stop it.

Barret: <<<Looks at Cait Sith>>>

Cait Sith: Stop it.

Barret: <<<Looks at Cait Sith>>>

Cait Sith: Stop it.

Barret: <<<Looks at Cait Sith>>>

Cait Sith: Stop it.

Barret: <<<Looks at Cait Sith>>>

Cait Sith: Stop it.

Barret: <<<Looks at Cait Sith>>>

Cait Sith: Stop it.

Barret: <<<Looks at Cait Sith>>>

Cait Sith: Stop it.

Barret: <<<Looks at Cait Sith>>>

Cait Sith: Stop it.

Barret: <<<Looks at Cait Sith>>>

Cait Sith: Stop it.

Barret: <<<Looks at Cait Sith>>>

Cait Sith: Stop it.

Sephiroth: <<<summons meteor to come and destroy Barret and Cait Sith>>>

Reno: <<sigh>> The same old crowd. <<sees Tifa and Cloud dancing>>

Tifa: So, you see, that’s why you should stay away from Rufus tonight.

Cloud: Ew, I think I’m gonna turn into Yuffie…

Tifa: <<laughs>> (just like old times…wait, Cloud never liked me…never mind.)

Reno: <<to Tifa and Cloud>> Whatcha doin’?

Tifa: God, Reno—go bother Elena or something.

Reno: I can stand here if I want! It’s a free country!

Rufus: Not really.

Cloud: Yikes!

Tifa: Hey, boss.

Cloud: BOSS??? You mean like the thing you fight at the end of a level??

Tifa: NO silly—I work for Rufus now.

Reno: Tifa joined the Turks.

Cloud: <<screams in Reno’s face>> THANK YOU CAPTAIN OBVIOUS!!! ß {reference to my favorite fan fic page!} Tifa, what the hell is wrong with you??

Tifa: Well…I was mad at you this morning so I ran away and joined the circus. I mean the Turks (same thing, really). But now you’re being nice again so I might quit.

Reno: Tifa joined the Turks.

All……..

Rufus: NO-oo Tifa you can’t leave! Remember all those fun talks we were having…?

Tifa: Shut-up….,

Rufus: About how sexy Cloud looks in a bathing suit??

Cloud: JEEPERS!!! ( when did Rufus see me in a bathing suit? Come to think of it…when did Tifa?)

Tifa: Oh man….

Rufus: The secret is out! I’M IN LOVE WITH CLOUD STRIFE!! This is my I’m In Love With Cloud Party!!

<<a huge banner rolls down from the ceiling>>

Banner: RUFUS LOVES CLOUD!!

Certain People Online: Oh, boy! Yaoi fiction!

Cloud: Hey, cut that out!!

Rufus: <<singing>>{to the tune of the 80’s song ‘Sarah’} CLO-UD, CLO-UD! STORMS ARE BREWING IN YOUR EYES! WHO-OH…!!

Rude: <<walks over>> Tifa joined the Turks.

All: WE KNOW!!!!!!!

MEANWHILE, OUTSIDE ON THE VERANDA

Aeris: <<sigh>> Cloud is such a imbecile sometimes…

Tseng: Agreed.

Aeris: <<jumps>> Hey, quit spying on me!

Tseng: How was your honeymoon?

Aeris: It was pretty wild…what do you care?

Tseng: ………

Aeris: Hmph, that’s what I thought. Leave me alone. I’m married now.

Tseng: Rufus fired Elena today.

Aeris: So what? I don’t give a crap what the Turks do. As long as you don’t hurt my Cloud.

Tseng: Your Cloud? Take a look at who he’s dancing with.

Aeris: Yeah…well…he feels sorry for her.

Tseng: I feel sorry for you.

Aeris: What’s that supposed to mean?

Scarlett: <<comes out onto the veranda. She’s drunk>> Hey, Tseng, want to go up to the gym? We could go in the jacuzzi!!!

Tseng: <<shudders>> Go talk to Rude.

Scarlett: Rude is so ugly. Forget him. Tseng is cute. Isn’t he, Aeris??

Aeris: Leave me alone. <<walks back inside>>

Yuffie: Aeris!

Aeris: Sorry Yuffie, but I’m in a bad mood.

Yuffie: Me too. Vincent won’t talk to me.

Aeris: I hate men tonight. Let’s go out drinking and make everyone worry.

Yuffie: Ok, but watch out for RedXIII. He’s got a belly full of eggs and he’s hell-bent on revenge.

Aeris: Hey, what’s up with that banner?

Yuffie: Uh, never mind that.

Aeris: Who is Rufus singing to?

Yuffie: Come on Aeris…I—uh, think I see RedXIII headed this way….

<<They leave>>

CLOUD AND TIFA ARE HIDING FROM RUFUS IN THE LIBRARY.

Cloud: Tifa, you have to quit the Turks.

Tifa: What will you give me if I do? (A big, wet kiss! Come on, say it!)

Cloud: Your prescription underwear.

Tifa: <<turns red>> You always make fun of me!

Cloud: You invite ridicule, Tifa.

Tifa: ………You don’t want me to move out of the Villa do you?

Cloud: No.

Tifa: I know why. You like having me AND Aeris all to yourself. You male chauvinist pig.

Cloud: I don’t HAVE you, Tifa.

Tifa: (yes you do) That’s not what I meant…

Cloud: Whatever. I don’t want to talk about it.

Tifa: Want to know the real reason I joined the Turks?

Cloud: I don’t know…does it involve posters proclaiming Rufus’s love for me?

Tifa: You WOULD think that. NO. I joined to meet boys.

Cloud: ………That’s nice.

Tifa: It doesn’t bother you?

Cloud: Maybe a little.

Tifa: (!!)

Cloud: Because the Turks are lame-ass sissies who run from fights.

Tifa: huuhh…. <<anime sweatdrop>>>

Cloud: But if this is what you’ve gotta do….

Tifa: <<mad again>> Oh, shut up. You never get mad. I hate it.

Cloud: I do so get mad. Just wait till the next time Barret looks at Cait Sith

Tifa: ?????

BACK AT THE PARTY:

Rufus: So, do you think it went well?

Tseng: ………..

Rufus: ANSWER ME, TSENG!!!

Tseng: Um…yes….Rufus. The party was a great success…( I gotta get a new job…)

IN A DARK CORNER:

Vincent: <<<playing Pokemon>>> (I wonder where Yuffie went? I hope I didn’t upset her too much…)

Mysterious Girl: Hey, you like Pokemon, too?

Vincent: "Like" is a little mild when concerning my feelings for Pokemon.

Mysterious Girl: Ha Ha! You talk funny!

Vincent:……..Um, yes.

Mysterious Girl: Sorry to intrude but I was looking for a dark corner to hide in. I just HATE parties like this.

Vincent: Um, yes, parties about Rufus’s obsession with Cloud are quite…odd….

Mysterious Girl: Ha Ha, you’re funny for a weird guy!

Cloud: Come on, Vincent, let’s get out of here while Rufus is distracted.

Vincent: Ok, I’m coming. <<turns to Mysterious Girl to tell her he has to go. She’s gone!>>

Vincent: (hmm, how odd. A girl who likes Pokemon)

ON THE WAY HOME

Cloud: I feel so…violated.

Tifa: Poor, Cloud. I’m sorry, I didn’t know he was going to go to such lengths.

Cloud: It’s ok Tifa.

Vincent: Where’s Yuffie?

Cid: Where’s Cait Sith?

RedXIII: Where’s Barret?

Cloud: Where’s Aeris?

Tifa: Well, I sent Barret and Cait Sith home early after Sephiroth summoned Meteor on them. But I don’t know where Aeris is. Or Yuffie.

RedXIII: I’m still barfing on Wutai.

Cid: We’re not flying over Wutai.

RedXIII: What the hell?? Well, I still have to barf…<<<barfs over the side of the ship and it gets all over Cosmo Canyon>>> Aghhh! I can’t win!!

Cloud: Great, where the hell is my wife??

Vincent: I saw her talking to Tseng.

Cloud: WHAT?? Dammit! (alright, fine, if that’s how it’s gonna be…)

Tifa: <<huge grin>>

Cid: Goddammit! Rufus never gave us any food at his flame fest!

Vincent: I’m starving.

Tifa: Me too.

RedXIII: I just barfed up three weeks worth of food onto my home town. I need nourishment!!

Cloud: Well, ok. I guess we can get some fast food…

All: OH BOY!!!

Cid: <<pulls into a McDonalds drive-thru>> What do you guys want??

RedXIII: A rare half-pounder and super size fries.

Cloud: (great—he’s going to be throwing up all night. I don’t need ANOTHER vomitter in my house!) I want chicken nuggets and a large fry.

Tifa: I’ll have value meal #4

Vincent: I want a kids meal. And ask them what teenie beanie babies they have. I want Bubbles if they’ve got him.

All: ……….

Drive Thru Guy: Welcome to the south plains McDonalds. What can I get you?

Cid: Yeah, ok, I want one #4 value meal, chicken nuggets—

Drive Thru Guy: What size would you like?

Cid: I dunno, Cloud?

Cloud: Huh?

Cid: What size chicken nuggets?

Cloud: Um…what sizes do they have?

Cid: Hell if I know! What sizes do you have?

Drive Thru Guy: Small, Large, and The Palmer Special with extra lard

Cloud: Um, I’ll have large.

Cid: We’ll take a large chicken nugget

DTG: Ok, anything else?

Cid: Yeah, I want one—

DTG: Hang on—what drink do you want with the value meal?

Cid: Tifa?

Tifa: I just want a coke.

Cid: Coke.

DTG: Ok, anything else?

Cid: YES! I also want a rare half-pounder—

DTG: We can’t make our burgers rare.

Cid: They can’t make it rare, Red.

RedXIII: WHAT?? THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!!!!

Cid: So do you want something else?

RedXIII: Yeah, hang on…let me think…

Cloud: Come on, Red, we’re all starving!

RedXIII: Ok, ok, I’ll have a McFlurry with Reese’s peanut butter cups.

Cid: Alright. Scratch the half-pounder—

DTG: You want me to take the half-pounder off?

Cid: Yes….

DTG: ………So, you DON’T want the half-pounder?

Cid: NO!!!

DTG: Alright. Is that it for you sir?

Cid: NO! Goddammit! Let me finish! I want a McFlurry with Reese’s in it.

DTG: We can’t make a McFlurry with Reese’s.

Cid: <<<Getting aggravated>>> RED, they can’t do Reese’s. You want something else in it?

RedXIII: WHAT? LIARS! I just came here the other day and got a McFlurry with Reese’s.

Cid: Hey, kid, he says you guys gave him Reese’s yesterday!

DTG: Yes, but today is Friday.

Cid: What the f**k does that matter?

DTG: We only do Reese’s on days that start with the letter "T", and on the second Wednesday of every month—if the date happens to be an odd number. And on Leap Year.

Cid: WHAT THE HELL? Look, forget the McFlurry—

RedXIII: Hey, I have to EAT!!!

CID: WELL WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT???

RedXIII: You don’t have to be such an ASSHOLE, CID!!

Tifa: Come ON, I’m dying of starvation here!!

Cid: Ok, sorry. Red, what do you want to eat?

RedXIII: I’m not talking to you, you hurt my feelings.

Cid: WHY YOU LITTLE!!!! FINE then you’re not eating!!

RedXIII: What??!! No fair! I HATE YOU CID!!! <<starts crying hysterically>> I WANT A MCFLURRY WITH REESES—WAHHH!!!!

Cloud: Where’s Aeris when you need her?

Tifa: <<suddenly extremely angry>> WHAT DOES AERIS HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?

Cloud: GOD, TIFA, WHAT’S YOUR PROBLEM?! I WANT HER TO CAST SEAL EVIL ON RED XIII!!!! IS THAT ALRIGHT WITH YOU???!!!!???

Tifa. Oh. Geez, Cloud, way to freak out.

Cloud: Well EXCUSE ME but I’m a little irritable right now!! I haven’t eaten since breakfast.

Vincent: <<casts frog song on RedXIII. He turns into a sleeping frog>>

Cloud: Aw, way to go Vincent. You are SO the favorite.

Vincent: {in a Crow T. Robot voice} You’re not my real father. <<starts playing Pokemon>>

DTG: Will that be all for you, sir?

Cid: QUIT ASKING ME THAT!!!! NO, I want a kids meal also.

DTG: What drink would you like with that?

Cid: <<through gritted teeth>> Vincent, what drink do you want??

Cloud: Blood!

Tifa: <<cracks up>> Good one!

Vincent: Shut the hell up you two! <<<bottom lip quivers>>> CID, CLOUD IS MAKING FUN OF ME!!

Cid: Like I give a shit! Don’t turn ME into the father figure here!

Vincent: <<bawls>>

Tifa: Aw, look what you’ve done!

Cid: God DAMN you people! THAT’S IT!!!

DTG: So, that’ll be all for you sir? Ok—

Cid: I WASN’T TALKIN’ TO YOU ASS BREATH!!!

<<Tifa and Cloud giggle>>

Cloud: <<whisper to Tifa>> Ass breath!

Tifa: <<giggling wildly>>>

Cid: Errr…..ARE YOU LISTENING DICK FACE??!!!

Cloud: Dick Face!!!

Tifa: <<uncontrollable laughter>>>

Cid: SHUT THE HELL UP YOU TWO!!!!!

DTG: You want a seven-up, too? Ok, is that all---

Cid: F**K NO!!!! AND IF YOU ASK ME THAT ONE MORE TIME….LISTEN! I WANT YOU TO CANCEL THE WHOLE ORDER AND START OVER!! I WANT FIVE PLAIN F**KING HAMBURGERS, FIVE LARGE F**KING FRIES AND FIVE F**KING COKES!!!!! GOT IT?????!!???!

Vincent, Cloud and Tifa: ………….

RedXIII: <<wakes up>> Hey! Alright, who turned me into a f**king frog??

Cid: HEY! Watch your mouth RedXIII!!!

DTG: OK, so you’ve got 5 regular burgers, 8 fish sandwiches, two McFlurries with caramel syrup, a Palmer-size order of chicken fingers with extra lard—

Cid: AAGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! <<destroys the speaker with his spear>>>

DTG: Will that be all sir? Hello?

MEANWHILE, AT THE BAR IN KALM TOWN—

<<Aeris and Yuffie are both a little tipsy>>

Aeris: You know what I hate about men?

Yuffie: Wha?

Aeris: They, like, DO STUFF, you know? <<squints her eyes>>

Yuffie: Yeah, I know. Vincent—he does so much STUFF sometimes. <<takes another swig of sake.>>

Aeris: Man, I hate that! And I hate how Cloud hogs all the good materia and gives me all the cures and stuff.

Yuffie: Yeah….

Aeris: You know something?

Yuffie: No. I mean, what?

Aeris: I think Tseng LIKES me.

Yuffie: Oh MAN. Hey! BARTENDER! Two more sakes over here.

Aeris: Better bring four!

Yuffie: Good thinking, Aeri. So—what are you gonna do about Tseng?

Aeris: I don’t know. I wish he would just fall in love with Tifa and do us ALL a favor.

Yuffie: You said it. But..do you think he’s cute??

Aeris: Not as cute as Cloud.

Yuffie: Does that mean yes?

Aeris: NO. Yes. I don’t know. It doesn’t matter, right?

Yuffie: I don’t know. I feel like singing.

Aeris: ME TOO!

Yuffie: Oh my gawd, really? Aeris, you are like SO cool.

Aeris: I love you, man!

Yuffie: <<breaks out into song>> CHECK IT OUT NOW—THA FUNK SOUL BROTHA!!

Aeris: RIGHT ABOUT NOW—THA FUNK SOUL BROTHA!!

Bartender: Oh…gawd.

BACK AT THE VILLA

Cloud: Somebody order a pizza before I starve to death!

Cait Sith: Ha ha—me an’ Barret ordered Chinese while you were gone!

Cloud: DAMN!

Vincent: Where’s Yuffie?

Tifa: Stop asking that!! (don’t remind Cloud about Aeris!)

Cloud: Oh, yeah. Where’s Aeris??

Tifa: Do’h!!!

All: ……….

Tifa: (whoops, did I say that out loud?) heh, heh—sometimes—when the mood strikes me I just gotta do my Homer impression…(do’h!!)

Cid: Well, it’s been fun but I DID have a nervous breakdown. I’m gonna go watch my Thunder in Paradise movies in the basement.

Vincent: I’ll order the pizza.

Cloud: That’a boy Vincent!

Vincent: I demand a raise in my allowance.

Cloud: (you don’t get an allowance…) Uh, okay.

Barret: I’m goin’ ta bed. Cloud, you can have my fortune cookie.

Cloud: Thanks! Let’s see…<<opens the cookie>> It says: www.cloudlookshotinabathingsuit.com WHAT THE HECK???

SHINRA HEADQUATERS

Tseng: <<sitting in his room>> Ahh, there’s nothing like a little Electronic Gaming Monthly after a hard day at the office…<<reads magazine>>

Door: <<knock, knock>>

Tseng: Hmm? God, if that’s Scarlett again… <<Gets up and opens the door>>

Aeris: <<totally plastered>> Ya’ know Tseng…I don’t get you man… <<speech is slurred>>

Tseng: Aeris? What…why are you here?

Aeris: Are you in looo-vve with me? <<grins stupidly>>

Tseng: <<anime sweatdrop>> Uh…you don’t know what you’re saying…

Aeris: CHECK IT OUT NOW!! THE FUNK SOUL…UH…uh..wha was tha other words??

Tseng: Brother.

Aeris: BRO-THA!!!!

Tseng: (This is so embarrassing. How can Cloud let her run around acting like this?) Come on, let’s get you home.

Aeris: SHEEP GO TO HEAVEN! GOATS GO TO HELL!!! Come on, Tseng! Join in!

BACK AT THE VILLA

<<Cloud and Tifa are scarfing pizza in the kitchen. Every one else is asleep or in their rooms>>

Tifa: Are you thinking about where Aeris is?

Cloud: (not really—she can take care of herself) Um, yeah.

Tifa: <<crestfallen>> I knew it.

Cloud: Stop acting weird.

Tifa: I always act like this.

Cloud: <<grins>> Ass Breath!

Tifa: <<cracks up>>

Yuffie: <<walks in the front door, still stinking drunk>> WELL, isn’t this cozy??

Cloud: Huh? Yuffie—where have you been? Where’s Aeris?

Yuffie: <<raises eyebrows>> Dunno!

Cloud: Oh, I thought maybe you were with her.

Yuffie: Yeah—yeah you WOULD think that—you, you…STUFF-DOER!!

Yuffie: <<storms out of the kitchen and bursts into Vincent’s room>>

Vincent: YUFFIE!! I mean, Yuffie. Hello.

Yuffie: And YOU! <<closes an eye and points accusingly at him.>>

Vincent: Me?

Yuffie: You SEDUCTRESS!! You led me on!

Vincent: <<ashamed>> I know. I’m sorry. Yuffie?

Yuffie: WHAT??

Vincent: I named my Jigglypuff after you.

Yuffie: <<barfs>>

DOORBELL RINGS

Cloud: I’ll get it. <<answers door. Tseng is there, looking annoyed and holding Aeris up>>

Aeris: <<gleefully>> Cloud!!!

Tseng: Lose something?

Aeris: Look, Tseng, it’s Cloud!!!

Tseng: <<deadpan>> What do you know. It is Cloud.

Cloud: What is the meaning of this? What are you doing with my wife??!!

Aeris: Now EVERYBODY’S here!!!

Cloud: Is she DRUNK??

Tseng: Let’s hope so. Goodbye. <<hands Aeris to Cloud>>

Aeris: Whee!!! Oh, there you are, Cloud. I thought I heard your voice, baby!!

Cloud: It’s okay, Aeri, you’re home now.

Aeris: WHEE! Did you kick every body out yet?

All: WE HEARD THAT!

Cloud: Do’h!! Uh, let’s get you to bed.

<<<Puts Aeris in their bed and she’s out like a light>>

Tifa: That was embarrassing.

Cloud: Don’t start.

Tifa: Are you really kicking us out?

Cloud: No. What else was I gonna do before I go to bed? Oh YEAH…. <<goes into RedXIII and Barret’s room>>> Better fix those parental controls!

Computer: On the website: CLOUD STRIFE ALMOST NUDE BATHING SUIT PICS!!

Cloud: Hey!! Who’s putting my bathing suit pics on the web????

…..To be continued!!!!

 

Part 3 " A Vacation from my Problems"

 

Elena: <<outside of Cloud’s Villa>> Man, I hope this is the right place, <<knocks on the door>>

Cloud: <<opens door>> Hello? ELENA? What do you want?

Elena: May I come in?

Cloud: Look if this is about Tifa stealing your job—she did.

Elena: I’m not stupid Cloud.

Cloud: ……..

Elena: Can I please come in?

Cloud: Alright, fine. I think we need to have some words about your friend Tseng, anyway.

Elena: Whatever. <<they go in and sit at the kitchen table. Every one else is still asleep.>>

Cloud: Don’t talk too loudly. My beloved has a hang-over.

Elena: Ick, you love-y people are so disgusting. Look, Cloud, I need a favor.

Cloud: Aren’t you my enemy or something?

Elena: Not anymore. I always thought you were cool, anyway Cloud.

Cloud: (yeah, right) Um…okay.

Elena: Well you did save my life on the mountains of Wutai!

Cloud: Right. SO what do you want?

Elena: This is going to sound odd. But I need a place to stay for awhile.

Cloud: WHAT?? I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but there are NINE people living here as it is. There is NO room at the inn, Elena.

Elena: It’s not funny, Cloud! Anyway, I know you have an extra space, cause Tifa is moving out.

Cloud: WHAT?? Says who??

Elena: Geez, it’s no big thing, Cloud. When you work for the Turks, you live at Shinra HQ.

Cloud: What is this whole WORKING for the Turks thing? I’ve seen you guys at "work". You just chase each other around and avoid doing Rufus’s obscure and disturbing dirty work.

Elena: And your point is? THAT’S HARD WORK!!!

Cloud: Whatever, Elena. Look—Aeris and I are going on a vacation this week. So, if you want to stay here and try to keep this group under control—be my guest.

Elena: Oh, thank you, Cloud! You won’t regret this.

Cloud: (oh boy—that sounds ominous…)

Vincent: <<walks into the kitchen, rubbing his eyes>> Elena? What’s going on here?

Cloud: Hey, Vincent, it looks like you’ll have some help taking care of this place while we’re gone!

Vincent: Huh? Where are you going?

Cloud: (whoops I guess I forgot to tell them) We’re going up to Aeris’s home town to stay at the Icicle Inn.

Vincent: <<whining>> But you just got back from your honeymoon!

Cloud: SO WHAT? I need a lot of breaks, living with you guys!

Barret: Hey, why is there a frog sleeping in RedXIII’s bed?

Cloud: SEE WHAT I MEAN???? By the way Barret, I need to talk to you about a certain webpage…

Elena: Oh, by the way Cloud, have you seen that page with all the pictures of you—

Cloud: YES Elena!

Elena: Rufus loves it.

Barret: What tha heil? Ain’t she in Shinra?

Cloud: Shut up Barret.

Yuffie: Uhhh… I’m still seeing things…Elena?

Elena: Hey, it’s my new roommate!

Yuffie: Agh! I’m moving in with Vincent!

Vincent: <<anime sweatdrop>>

Cloud: YOU ARE NOT YOUNG LADY!!

Yuffie: I never get to do anything!

Cait Sith: Ugh, what time is it? Why are we all up so early?

Cid: Where’s Tifa?

Cloud: She’s at Shinra HQ. Look, I have an announcement for you guys

Aeris: Uhhhhhh…..what HAPPENED last night? I feel like crap.

Cloud: Uh, nothing… You just drank a little too much is all.

Aeris: Why do I have the Funk Soul Brother song in my head?

Cloud: (I’m glad Tifa’s not here to blab to everyone who brought her home.) I was just telling them about the trip we’re taking, Aeri.

Cait Sith: Alright! Party at Cloud’s house!!

RedXIII: <<jumps into the kitchen. He’s still a frog>> DOES ANYONE HAVE A MAIDEN’S KISS????

Cloud: Shut up for a second, Red!! Now, let me tell you guys the rules for while I’m gone. #1 is: NO ONE EXCEPT VINCENT IS SLEEPING IN HIS ROOM AND NO ONE EXCEPT YUFFIE IS SLEEPING IN HERS!!! <<<glares at them>> got it????

Aeris: Oh, Cloud!

Cloud: Alright, #2: No distribution of any pictures of me on the world wide web—UNDERSTOOD?? <<glares at Barret>>

Barret: I didn’t take no pictures!

Cloud: Let’s see…what else? No stealing materia, no turning each other into frogs and/or hellbeasts, no eating eggs for the purpose of barfing on each other’s home towns, no sitting around in your underwear all day watching Comedy Central, and absolutely NO prank calling Sephiroth pretending to be Jenova—you all know what happened last time!!!!

Cait Sith: In other words—no fun! <<sulking>>

Cloud: That reminds me. NO LOOKING AT CAIT SITH FUNNY!!!!!

Everyone except Cloud: <<looks at Cait Sith funny>>

Cait Sith: AAGGHH!!! I’M MELTING!!

Elena: ( Oh, man, this is worse than I imagined…)

SHINRA HQ

Rude: Tifa!

Reno: Come in here—we need you!

Tifa: Huh? Ok, I’m coming! <<runs into the conference room>> What? <<there’s no one inside>> What the heck…

Noise from behind the conference table: <<snickering>>

Tifa: <<rolls her eyes>> (I can’t take much more of these two)

Reno: Catch! <<throws something at her>>

Tifa: WHAT THE? RENO! Stop throwing Jenova heads at me! This is the third time today!

Rude and Reno: <<laughing hysterically>>

Tifa: <<grabs the door and slams it shut, locking them inside the conference room>>

Reno: HEY! NO FAIR TIFA!

Rude: Uh-oh. <<farts>>

Reno: AGH! GET ME OUT OF HERE!

Rude: Shouldn’t have had all those Krystal Burgers…

Reno: Ew, Krystal Burger farts! The worst! Tifa let me out I didn’t mean anything by it!

Scarlett: Hey, Tifa, quit goofing off!

Tifa: Hey SCARLETT…

Reno: Oh no…she wouldn’t…

Rude: What?

Tifa: SCARLETT—I seem to have trapped some REALLY HOT GUYS in this room--

Scarlett: REALLY?? Are they as hot as Reno and Rude??

Tifa: ………(oh my God…) Umm…yes you could say that.

Scarlett: Oh boy let me at em’!!

Reno: AGGGHHHHHH!!!!

Rude: What?

Rufus: HEY! What are you guys doing?

Tifa and Scarlett: Uh…nothing…

Reno: AGH! RUFUS LET US OUT!!

Rufus: Dammit, I can’t leave you four alone for TWO MINUTES!! Er…Tifa—you’ve got a phone call.

Tifa: Me?

Rufus: IS THERE ANYONE ELSE HERE NAMED TIFA??!!??

Tifa: Er, no, sorry Rufus.

Rufus: It’s CLOUD <<jealous>>

Tifa: (Cloud called Rufus’s company for ME?) <<overjoyed>> Oh—okay.

<<picks up the phone>>

Tifa: Cloud?

Cloud: Tifa what on earth are you doing?

Tifa: Dodging Jenova heads and exposing Reno to Rude’s bodily functions—what’s up with you?

Cloud: That’s not what I meant! WHY did you move out after you made such a big deal out of me wanting you to stay??

Tifa: (……..) Um…. I dunno….is AERIS in the room with you?

Cloud: What? No—why?

Tifa: I thought you guys wanted more space is all

Cloud: Yeah more space in the way of Barret and Cid and maybe Cait Sith. But not our real friends.

Tifa: Oh, Cloud you say the nicest things! Alright, I guess I’ll come home.

Cloud: Well you can’t NOW Tifa—ELENA is staying in your room for the weekend.

Tifa: WHAT? No way!

Cloud: Geez, Teef, you did steal her job..

Tifa: Don’t call me by that stupid nickname! And DON’T call me here again!!! <<slams down the phone>>

Reno: <<still choking>> Thanks for putting me in the GAS CHAMBER Tifa!!

Tifa: <<huge grin>> Oh, Reno, my plan is working perfectly!

Reno: Huh?

Tifa: I KNEW Cloud would react this way to my moving out! Now that he misses having me around, true love and devotion are only one step away!! I’ve just got to keep pushing him away and he’ll keep calling me back! You men are SO easy to fool!!

Reno: <<frowns>> Isn’t Cloud married or something?

Tifa: <<glares at him>> What has that got to do with anything??!!

Reno: What do you see in that guy anyway?

Tifa: I dunno. My un-born children?

Reno: Ew, don’t get all soft-rock on me, Tifa. I think you’re deluding yourself.

Tifa: Well what the hell do you know? And anyway, you haven’t heard the whole plan yet. I’m going to date someone Cloud really hates to make him crazy with jealousy!!

Reno: Oh I’M SURE. Who’s the lucky sap?

Tifa: <<grins wickedly>> That’s where you come in.

MEANWHILE AT THE VILLA

<<Cloud and Aeris are packing for they’re trip>>

Aeris: Thank goodness for high-potions! I feel great now—man what did I DO last night?

Cloud: I don’t know I wasn’t there.

Aeris: Yeah, I remember going to the bar with Yuffie—but after that—

Cloud: Does it really matter, Aeri?

Aeris: Sorry, I’m just not used to being a slobbering drunk. ….Are you in a bad mood?

Cloud: No, I just want to get out of this house before anything else goes wrong.

Aeris: What’s wrong Cloud?

Cloud: Nothing. I’m just worried about Tifa over there at Shinra with Rufus and those other clowns.

Aeris: They’re mostly harmless, Cloud.

Cloud: I know—I just need to forget about it.

Aeris: Don’t worry, baby—as soon as we’re on the road you’ll feel better, You just need to clear your head.

Cloud: I know. You’re right. I love you, Aeri.

RedXIII: <<pokes his head in the door>> Um, we have a situation out here.

Aeris: What’s wrong Red?

RedXIII: Elena has invited Sephiroth over for tea.

Cloud: Holy hell! Let’s get out of here, Aeris.

Aeris: The sooner the better!

AT THE KITCHEN TABLE

Elena: After all we’ve been through together, can you believe Rufus—firing me on a whim like that?

Sephiroth: What a monster.

Cloud: Sephiroth, get out of my house.

Elena: Excuse, me, Sephy. Cloud, weren’t you just leaving??

Cloud: There will be no Sephiroth in my house while I’m gone! He makes the others nervous!

Sephiroth: Oh, nonsense. Look how eager Cid is to join us!

Cid: Tea! Tea! Gimme some goddamn tea!

Cloud: He’d say that to anyone!

Aeris: Come on, Cloud, let’s just go. We all know Sephiroth doesn’t kill anyone on the weekends.

Cloud: Alright, but you better be gone by Monday!

Sephiroth: Oh, you have my word.

Cloud: <<sarcastic>> Great…

Aeris: Come, on, honey, let’s go. <<grabs his arm and pulls him out the door>>

Cid: Alright!! They’re gone! PARTY!!!!!

Cait Sith: Woo-hoo! <<runs through the room with—GASP: scissors!!>>>

Barret: <<chases Cait Sith with a telescope>> Now I’m REALLY lookin’ at you foo’!!

Cait Sith: AGHHH! CLOUD COME BACK!!

Cid: <<grabs the tea pot and gulps it down>> Well, I’ll call Shera and tell her the doors open.

Barret: WHA? You’re movin' her in while Clou’s not here?

Cid: There’s no better time to do it!

RedXIII: <<starts scarfing Funions and raw strips of bacon>> If at first you don’t succeed…<<looks ominously at Yuffie>>

Yuffie: <<rolls her eyes>> Whatever, Red. <<steals everyone’s materia>>

All: HEY!!

Yuffie: Yoink! <<runs into Vincent's room with the materia>>

Vincent: Huh? <<looks up from Pokemon>>

Yuffie: Vincent! <<runs to his bed and jumps on him>> Finally—I thought they’d never go!

Vincent: <<face is red>> But Cloud said—

Yuffie: <<kisses him>>

Vincent: But you’re only—

Yuffie: <<kisses him>>

Vincent: (oh, what the hell- this is better then Pokemon.)

ON THE WAY TO THE CAR

Aeris: Oh, wait, Cloud I forgot to give them the number to reach us at

Cloud: God, Aeri, do you really WANT them to reach us?

Aeris: Yes, Cloud! With Sephiroth and Elena in the house there could be an emergency!

Cloud: Er….fine…

<<Aeris goes back in the house>>>

Aeris: You guys I—

<<Barret has Cait Sith trapped on top of the fridge with a bag over his head>>

Cait Sith: STOP…..LOOKING….AT…MEEEEE!!!!

Barret: HA HA—Whoa, Aeris!

Aeris: What’s going—

RedXIII: <<puking all over the place>> Must…get…to…Yuffie’s…room…before..puke…runs…out…

Aeris: Ewww…

Cid: <<on the phone>> Yeah, come right over. Sure you can bring all you stuff! Well, I don’t see a problem with your pet elephant living here—no it’s fine if the guys need a place to stay for awhile….

Aeris: CID!! Who are you talking to???

Cid: Huh? AERIS! Whoa!! Uh…

Yuffie: <<runs out of Vincent’s bedroom with her shorts unbuttoned>> I’ll get the whipped cream, Vinnie!

Aeris: (Cloud would die…) Uh, Yuffie…

Yuffie: What? Oh Aeri, I thought you left! Um…Cloud isn’t here…is he?

Aeris: No, <<sigh>> look, Yuff, if there’s any problems call us at this number ok?

Yuffie: Oh, have fun Aeri! <<grabs the whipped cream and runs back to Vincent>>

Aeris: Uh..you too? <<looks around. Elena and Sephiroth are still sipping tea quietly>>

Elena: What a madhouse.

Sephiroth: You said it.

Aeris: (Oh, brother….) <<goes back out to the car>>>

Cloud: Well, how are they doing so far?

Aeris: Umm..let’s just go Cloud.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

AT SHINRA HQ

Tifa: Ok, Reno, listen up.

Reno: I don’t take orders from you, Tifa.

Tifa: I know, I know—just do me this one little favor??

Reno: What will you give me? (A big, wet kiss—come on, say it!)

Tifa: (my orthopedic underwear—no…God I miss Cloud…) Um, I’ll give you the pleasure of my company for one evening.

Reno: Aw, I can have that anyway!

Tifa: <<sigh>> Look, Reno, I haven’t told you the whole deal here.

Reno: Yeah? So, what do you want me to do?

Tifa: I want Cloud to think that I’m in love with you. And…so…he’d expect us to…act accordingly…

Reno: Oh, RIGHT! I get to slobber all over you in public and stuff?

Tifa: <<shudder>> Yes….( just think about Cloud…)

Reno: All right! When do we start?? <<walks to her>>

Tifa: <<jumps away from him>> You can start by calling me "honey" and stuff, I suppose.

Reno: Oh, my DARLING Tifa my precious sweetheart lovey-girl—

Tifa: THAT’S QUITE ENOUGH!! Save it for Cloud’s house.

Reno: Cloud’s house?

Tifa: We’re inviting ourselves to dinner. Let’s go!

MEANWHILE AT THE ICILE INN

Aeris: Well, here’s our room!

Cloud: <<grabs her around the waist>> Finally! We can be all alone with no interruptions!

Aeris: How I’ve waited for this day!

Cloud: <<kisses her>>

Phone: Ring! Ring!

Cloud: What the heck? The phone is ringing already??

Aeris: Maybe it’s from the office downstairs. They could have had a problem parking your buggy. Better answer it.

Cloud: (geez that’s no fun) <<reluctantly>> Okay… <<picks up phone>> Hello?

RedXIII: Uh, Cloud?

Cloud: RED?? Is that YOU?? How can you be calling here already???

RedXIII: <<long pause>>

Cloud: Red? Hello?

Red: CloudYuffiestoleallmymateriaandSHEWON’TGIVEITBACK!!!!!

Cloud: WHAT? Slow down!!

Cid: <<in background>> Mine too! She stole mine too!

Cloud: Huh? Look, you guys are just going to have to settle this with Vincent! He’s in charge and I’m on vacation!

RedXIII: But, but………..YUFFIELOCKEDHERSELFINVINCENTSROOMANDWECAN’TGETIN!!!!

Cloud: WHAT?? DID YOU SAY YUFFIE AND VINCENT---!!!!!

Aeris: (oh, no, poor Yuff! I better act quickly if I want to keep Cloud’s mind off of her and Vincent--)

Cloud: THAT’S IT!! I’m coming home right now to stop this—

Aeris: <<rips her dress off>> Oh, Clo-ud…aren’t you almost done on the phone, baby?

Cloud: Huh? <<looks at her. Melts>> Oh—I mean, that is…I guess they’ll be okay…<<drops the phone and runs to his wife>>

Aeris: (works like a charm) Oh, Cloud you’re so romantic. (ha ha—what a joke!)

BACK AT THE VILLA

RedXIII: CLOUD?? HELLO??

Cid: What??

RedXIII: <<intense panic>> He hung up!!! AGHHH!!

Elena: Oh, will you two relax please!! Cloud does not make the world turn round. You can survive without him!

Cid: But….he’s Cloud!

RedXIII: Yeah! He…does everything for us!

Sephiroth: Well, if it helps, I did teach him everything he knows. Maybe I can take care of you!!

RedXIII and Cid: ………………

Sephiroth and Elena: HAHAHAHA!!!!

Elena: Good one, Seph!

RedXIII and Cid: <<GULP>>

Well, that’s all I have for now. Atrocious, huh? ;) It still cracks me up though, I have no idea why. I hope some other freak-a out there will enjoy it!!

-- NM