ABOUT THE WAR…..

BY KAIN

Everybody gather round

Listen to the story we’ve found

Sometimes folks can’t get along

Negotiations can go wrong….

Now then. Where do you begin with the story of THE GREAT WAR? I suppose you’d have to go back to the beginning of time. Yes, that’s correct. There was a thing called evil, you see? It was always out to get us magical folk, somehow it had something against us. Don’t much know what that was, even now. But eventually it manifested itself into human form. YOU HEARD ME RIGHT! Just sit back and relax. This may take awhile.

Tom Riddle’s parents are truly to blame for the millions of deaths that were brought about by the Great War. Who were they? Where did they go? And why, oh why, did they leave the impressionable young lad in the horrid care of an orphanage? The world may never know, but what we DO know is that Tom’s imperfect up bringing is believed to be the major cause of his personal evil.

Yet, somehow, Tom was chosen to attend Hogwarts. We don’t claim that he was the ONLY evil student ever to pass through the castle’s doors, no, I’d say at least 50% of the Hogwarts population is evil. YOU HEARD ME RIGHT! Continuing…

{Ronald Regan voice:} WELL, {/RR} we all know the story of how Tom Riddle morphed into the evil lord Voldemort. And how he killed many, and with little discretion.

But what we didn’t know (at the beginning of the War, that is) was why the Dark Lord targeted young Harry Potter. Harry Potter, so pure and good at heart. What had this innocent child ever done to Voldemort? WELL HE STRIPPED HIM OF ALL HIS POWERS, FOR ONE THING! Yet, there seemed to be something more behind this obsession that Voldemort had with bringing him down. He was always showing up at Hogwarts, coming after the boy, ALWAYS FAILING!

Just as the incidental Harry Potter was graduating from Hogwarts, Voldemort began attacking magical cities with legions of many. A draft was sent out to spruce up the magical folk’s pathetically under-trained Army. After boot camp, Harry Potter was moved up to first class immediately. He seemed to be, as he was before, our only hope.

Now’s the time to be a man!

Join the ranks and take a stand!

Don’t be a wimp! Don’t be a rotter!

Line up behind young General Potter!

All the boys in Harry’s graduating class were forced to grudgingly go to war against Voldemort. Reluctant himself at first, Harry soon took on his role as leader with true form. A master of skill, of deft, careful planning, and certainly of bravery, he proved to be quite useful despite our pitiful ranks.

True, at first, most of our soldiers were useless, some later proved to be true heroes. Colin Creevey, for example, who warned the town of Plunketville of the oncoming forces, then risking his life to fend off an army of the undead.

George Weasley, who vowed to avenge his twin brother’s death on the battlefield, and henceforth became one of the most productive warriors in the Army. We all recall the day when the young man single-handedly defeated a battalion of armored dark arts broom pilots over the night skies of Muggle London!

And then there were the courageous women of war, like Alicia Spinnet, who would travel 50 miles on foot during a time of national crisis to finally rescue her abandoned husband, Lee Jordan, from a dark arts prison, with only an amateur wand as her weapon!

Perhaps the most incredible story is that of Draco Malfoy, who faced off against his own father, the mad Lucius Malfoy, second in command to Voldemort, and was forced to destroy him in combat.

But above all there was Harry Potter, and his daring final defeat of Voldemort, atop Blackdagger Mountain, on the fateful night of September 7th, during that treacherous rainstorm! We’ve all heard the story! Lightening and thunder crashing all around him, his spirits low after the eight year ordeal of the war, his heart crushed after his fiancée Hermione Granger had left him for another officer, and yet, AND YET!!!! he was destined to triumph.

Potter, Potter, flying high!

Thought Voldemort would never die

Plunged his sword through that black heart,

Harry Potter—so brave and smart!

After the war the economy crumbled and there was a huge population expanse. What else is new?

Harry was encouraged to run for president of the Ministry but he receded, and moved to Japan. Draco Malfoy now holds that office, as you all know.

Let’s all take a moment to remember the heroes of the Great War, shall we? I’d like to leave you with this quote from the Buggles:

" And now we meet in an abandoned studio. We hear the playback and it seems so long ago. And you remember the jingle used to go: "OH-WA-OH!" You were the first one. You were the last one. Video Killed the Radio Star!"

Thank you. That’s all for today. Don’t forget, test is next Monday. Sit down in the back, Mr. Malfoy! You think just cause your father’s the Minister you can—HEY I SAW THAT MR. WEASLEY!

Children of the greatest generation. What are you going to do?

---Prof. C.G. Binns

(circa 8/15/2014)