They Re-built the Parthenon in Memphis, Tennesee
Zorack (standing at his keyboard, talking to Space Ghost, who is sipping COFFEE out of a PAPER CUP): Eh… Did you see ER last night?
SG: (blinks) I don’t…. watch television.
Zorack: (narrows his eyes)
SG: Okay. I was—out.
Zorack: With who?
SG: A person.
Zorack: You went out with Moltar.
SG: (silent for a moment) How’d you know?
Zorack: Ehh… I can smell it.
SG: Oh. Well…he was…depressed.
SG: Look, we just went to Charlie’s okay?
Zorack: Right. Okay.
SG: I had the GY-RO sandwhich. (looks at the camera) It was quite good.
Zorack: (says nothing)
SG: Uh, so—who’s on the show tonight?
Zorack: Don’t look at me.
Moltar: It’s some kid.
SG: Oh. I didn’t know you were there.
Moltar: He’s got powers and stuff.
SG: Where’d you come from, anyway?
Moltar: Well, Siam, originally—
SG: No, I mean, a minute ago. You just…popped up.
Moltar: I’m always here, Tad.
SG: Greetings, all. I, am Space Ghost.
SG: Ah—(looks at Zorack) What’s with you tonight?
SG: Okay, okay. (pauses) You still there, Moltar?
Moltar: I’m here.
SG: Okay…good. Right. (looks at Zorack again) Play me to the desk, Zorack.
Zorack: Ehh… I’ll think about it.
SG: Do it now!
SG: ZORACK! (goes for the arm laser)
Zorack: Hey (BEAT) The floor looks dirty.
SG: Wh—huh? (looks down) Why, yes, it does. Where are the matinence robots?
Zorack: You blasted them.
SG: What? I did not!
Moltar: Yeah…. it was that time when Dr. Evil keyed your car.
Zorack: You were mad.
SG: So I blasted the robots?
Moltar: They were a gift from his mother.
SG: Oh. Right. Well in that case—Zorack.
SG: Play me to the desk.
Zorack: Oh, ALRIGHT. (plays him to the desk)
SG: (sitting) Ah—that’s more like it! Okay, my first guest tonight—
Moltar: Remember what Dr. Evil wrote on your car?
SG: What are you talking about?
Moltar: When he keyed it. And you blasted the robots.
SG: Now that’s just a blur.
Zorack: He wrote ‘ SPACE GHOST RUNS LIKE A GIRL’
SG: (angry. Taps card on the desk)
Zorack and Moltar: (laughing)
SG: Cue the guest, Moltar.
Moltar: Can we have Indiana Jones on the show?
Zorack: Yeah! That would be COOL.
SG: Ehh.. he and I don’t really… mesh well.
Moltar: Oh yeah.
Moltar: Space Ghost stole his girlfriend.
SG: That was a long time ago!
Zorack: (sarcastic) Way to go, SPACE GHOST.
SG: I was young…foolish.
Zorack: Now we’ll never have any decent guests, RICO SAUVE.
SG: (sighs) I thought those days would last forever…
(television set with HARRY POTTER lowers)
Harry: Space Ghost!
SG: Wha? Oh, hello.
Harry: Hey! Space Ghost…
Harry: You look a little down.
SG: (narrows eyes)
SG: Alright. So, you’re a… ah, a super hero?
Harry: Uh, no, not really.
Zorack: He’s BRITISH.
SG: I can see that, Zorack.
Harry: (laughs) Well I am British
SG: But you’re not a Superhero?
Harry: Not exactly. I mean, not like you.
SG: Like me?
Zorack: Hey. I know I guy who lives in England. His name’s Dave.
Harry: (BEAT) Uh-huh.
Zorack: You know him?
Harry: Well…no, actually. I don’t know anyone named Dave.
Moltar: (watching Indiana Jones) Yes!
SG: Okay, wait. Let me think.
SG: What was I going to ask you?
Harry: Um… you’re asking me?
Harry: Well, er. Something about magic?
SG: Magic? No, I don’t think so.
Zorack: Do you have a broom?
SG: Don’t answer that. (glares at Zorack)
Harry: Well… I do have a broom.
SG: Do you.
Zorack: Cause this floor is pretty…dirty.
Harry: Oh. Well, it looks okay to me.
Zorack: Well it’s not.
SG: I was going to…well, let me think.
Harry: (scrathes his neck)
SG: Oh—of course! You fly on a broom, don’t you?
Harry: Yes. Yes, I use a broom, when I um, when I play Quidditch, and also… well some other times.
SG: Uh-huh. Yeah, that’s what I meant. (BEAT) So, can we borrow it?
Harry: Oh, like—okay. But I don’t have it with me.
SG: You…don’t have it with you.
Zorack: Indiana Jones would have had a broom.
Moltar: (watching movie)
Moltar: Shut up.
SG: Moltar are you still there?
Moltar: Shut up—this is the best part!
SG: Moltar we need a broom.
Moltar: I’m busy.
SG: Look at this place. I can’t do a show like this. Get me a broom!
Zorack: I’ll get you one.
SG: You will?
Zorack: Sure…what will you give me if I do?
SG: Ahh… (looks at Harry) You got anything?
Harry: Huh? Me? Okay—um, I have some gum.
Zorack: I’ll do it for gum.
(MOLTAR and ZORACK go to the store to find a broom)
Zorack: Baby formula… mayonaise….orange soda…
Moltar: I need batteries. Where are the batteries.
Zorack: Ah… we don’t have enough money.
Moltar: I’ve…got money.
Zorack: (skeptical) Where’d you get money from?
Moltar: Someone gave it to me.
Zorack: Who gave you money?
Moltar: A person.
Zorack: Space Ghost gave you money.
Moltar: Uhh… it mighta been him.
Zorack: How much to you have?
Moltar: I…don’t know. I lost it.
(BACK AT THE STUDIO:)
SG: So, I’m like, hey, Indy, SHE threw herself at ME.
SG: And then it’s like, we don’t even talk to each other for the rest of the week
Harry: Gosh. And…you were friends?
SG: So suddenly he’s mad at me.
Harry: Maybe you should call him.
SG: I don’t think so.
Harry: Why not? Do you miss his friendship?
SG: Ehh… not really.
Harry: But he had those, those um, cool stones.
SG: Well… I don’t know anything about that.
Harry: And that whip. That was neat.
SG: Well… yeah. The whip. Sure.
Harry: (quiet for a minute) And, um…that hat.
SG: Harry. Anybody can wear a hat.
Harry: Yeah, but it looked cool on him.
( AT THE SUPERMARKET)
Zorack: Okay: BROOMS
Moltar: Why are there so many different…kinds.
Zorack: Just grab one
Moltar: I’m not good at making descisions.
Zorack: Look, YOUR ARMS WORK BETTER THAN MINE! PICK ONE!
Moltar: Uhh… okay. (picks up a broom)
Zorack: Not that one.
Moltar: Why not?
Zorack: It reminds me of Ted Danson.
Moltar: What? Why?
Zorack: Ted Danson had a broom like that.
Moltar: So what?
Zorack: Get the Cameron Diaz model
(AT THE STUDIO)
Harry: I should have brought my wand, I guess.
Harry: We could have compared magic.
SG: Magic? Harry, I don’t do MAGIC. I do pain.
Harry: Pain—oh, wow.
SG; Well…when you say it like that…
Harry: But you’re not evil?
SG: (big sigh) NO, Harry. I’m not evil. Are you?
Harry: Um, no. Not really.
Zorack: Hey, SPACE GHOST.
SG: Oh, it’s Zorack. And Moltar.
SG: So…where’s the broom.
Zorack: Oh, yeah.
Moltar: We lost it.
SG: You…lost it?
Harry: Phew, that was fast.
Zorack: (to Harry) Stay out of this, kid
SG: Can’t you two do ANYTHING??
Zorack: You’re the one who blew up the robots.
Zorack: What now?
SG: Get Indiana Jones on the phone
Moltar: All RIGHT
Harry: That’s the spirit.
Zorack: Here (hands SG a phone)
Gruff male voice on the phone: Hello?
SG: Ummm… Dr. Jones?
SG: …..Never mind. (hangs up)
Moltar: Let me talk to him.
SG: No one is talking to Indiana Jones on my show!
(no one moves)
Zorack: Uhh… are you gonna get that?
SG: I don’t hear anything.
Harry: Come on, Space Ghost.
SG: (to Harry) Hey! Do you wanna fight?
Harry: I think you should answer your phone.
Moltar: (picks up phone) Hello?
SG: No fair!
Zorack: Ask him if he’s got a broom we can use.
Moltar: Uh, Indiana? Right. Yeah, sorry about that. Uh-huh.
Zorack: Ask him!
SG: Tell him he’s a big…stupid baby!
Moltar: Uhhh… you got a broom? Cause, we need one. You big stupid baby.
SG: Wait a minute…
Moltar: What? Oh, is that—uh, well—oh yeah?
Harry: What’d he say?
Moltar: He hung up.
SG: Good riddance.
Zorack: What about the broom?
Moltar: He said he was going to kill me.
Moltar: Strangely I…don’t feel that threatened.
Brak: You guys need a broom?
SG: Now look what you’ve done!
Harry: Yeah, we need one.
SG: Don’t talk to him.
Brak: Cause I, I got a broom… and, I got one.
Zorack: Give it over.
Brak: I mean… hang on.
Moltar: He dosen’t have one.
Brak: Space Ghost! Hey, how’s it goin’? Whew!
Brak: Yes ma’am! I’m here. Alright!
SG: Brak, do you have a broom?
Brak: Well, I—
SG: Do you have one, Brak?
Brak: I got some brooms…around… not one that you can use, really. Um…
SG: You don’t have a broom, do you Brak?
Brak: Well, I… I mean, in a way I do. I have...some…things.
SG: Do you have a broom?
Brak: I… who ever said anything about brooms?! Jeepers!
Zorack: Why’d you have to blast the robots?
SG: Quit whining!
Zorack: My feet feel dirty!
(HARRY and ZORACK, talking over credits:)
Zorack: So I know this other guy who lives in England
Harry: Do you?
Zorack: Yeah, I think his names’…. Mortimer…or something.
Harry: Oh… well that’s a—
Zorack: You know him?
Zorack: He’s kind of…ugly
Harry: I’m sorry, I don’t know any Mortimers.
Zorack: Actually… I think he lives in…Chile.
Harry: Oh, okay. Well that explains it.
Zorack: You know a British guy named Spike?
Harry: I don’t think—
Zorack: He doesn’t live in England. But he’s Bristish.
Harry: Right. Well, no, that doesn’t ring any bells.
Zorack: What about Emily?
Harry: I do—I do know an Emily, yes.
Zorack: She British?
Zorack: Not the same girl, then.