O, Sid’s nose, how do I loathe thee?

Let me count the ways …

Sid’s nose, I hate you because you are a careless hotdog thrown on a human body for comic relief.

Sid’s nose, I hate you because you look like a disgustingly skinny wiener, and the show should be rated MA because of your presence.

Sid’s nose, I hate you because when Sid takes off his baseball cap, I bet you fall of off his head, or have a huge crease at the top of you where he was wearing the cap. And that is just gross.

Sid’s nose, I hate you because you smell like ham, but you taste like bologna.

Sid’s nose, I hate you because if you were a person, you’d be the kind of joker who goes to Tower Records and tries to buy a Ricky Martin CD with old Turtles coins, and then acts all insulted when the cashier tells you that Turtles went out of business in 1996, and even if there were still Turtles stores, of course you couldn’t use their voucher coins here, because this is Tower Records. And then, Sid’s nose, you would scream "What’are you, callin’ me a LIAR?" and the cashier would have to get her manager, because, Sid’s nose, she is just not trained to deal with this kind of situation.

I hate you Sid’s nose, because you always order veal parmesan.

I hate you Sid’s nose, because you think Panama City is classy.

I hate you Sid’s nose, because in real life, I bet you’re really shiny.

Sid’s nose, I hate you because you are destined to ruin a perfectly good woman. Because Sid will grow up to marry somebody like Oskar’s Suzie, only she won’t make Sid sandwiches on demand, or write Arnold’s Romeo and Juliet lines on little slips of paper because Sid tells her to—No, she’ll cater to YOU, Sid’s nose. You will become her obsession, and against her will she will wait on you hand and foot, and take pictures of you on vacation in Sicily, and buy a piano because you always wanted to be able to say that you could play Vivaldi’s Four Seasons. And she will daydream about having YOUR children, Sid’s nose, but of course she won’t, because that would be disgusting.

And that, Sid’s nose, is why I hate you.