SG: (blinks) I don’t…. watch television.

Zorack: (narrows his eyes)

SG: Okay. I was—out.

Zorack: With who?

SG: Somebody.

Zorack: Who?

SG: A person.

Zorack: You went out with Moltar.

SG: (silent for a moment) How’d you know?

Zorack: Ehh… I can smell it.

SG: Oh. Well…he was…depressed.

Zorack: Uh-huh

SG: Look, we just went to Charlie’s okay?

Zorack: Right. Okay.

SG: I had the GY-RO sandwhich. (looks at the camera) It was quite good.

Zorack: (says nothing)

SG: Uh, so—who’s on the show tonight?

Zorack: Don’t look at me.

Moltar: It’s some kid.

SG: Oh. I didn’t know you were there.

Moltar: He’s got powers and stuff.

SG: Where’d you come from, anyway?

Moltar: Well, Siam, originally—

SG: No, I mean, a minute ago. You just…popped up.

Moltar: I’m always here, Tad.

(OPENING CREDITS)

SG: Greetings, all. I, am Space Ghost.

Zorack: (sighs)

SG: Ah—(looks at Zorack) What’s with you tonight?

Zorack: NOTHING.

SG: Okay, okay. (pauses) You still there, Moltar?

Moltar: I’m here.

SG: Okay…good. Right. (looks at Zorack again) Play me to the desk, Zorack.

Zorack: Ehh… I’ll think about it.

SG: Do it now!

Zorack: (nothing)

SG: ZORACK! (goes for the arm laser)

Zorack: Hey (BEAT) The floor looks dirty.

SG: Wh—huh? (looks down) Why, yes, it does. Where are the matinence robots?

Zorack: You blasted them.

SG: What? I did not!

Moltar: Yeah…. it was that time when Dr. Evil keyed your car.

Zorack: You were mad.

SG: So I blasted the robots?

Moltar: They were a gift from his mother.

SG: Oh. Right. Well in that case—Zorack.

Zorack: What?

SG: Play me to the desk.

Zorack: Oh, ALRIGHT. (plays him to the desk)

SG: (sitting) Ah—that’s more like it! Okay, my first guest tonight—

Moltar: Remember what Dr. Evil wrote on your car?

SG: What are you talking about?

Moltar: When he keyed it. And you blasted the robots.

SG: Now that’s just a blur.

Zorack: He wrote ‘ SPACE GHOST RUNS LIKE A GIRL’

SG: (angry. Taps card on the desk)

Zorack and Moltar: (laughing)

SG: Cue the guest, Moltar.

Moltar: Can we have Indiana Jones on the show?

Zorack: Yeah! That would be COOL.

SG: Ehh.. he and I don’t really… mesh well.

Moltar: Oh yeah.

Zorack: What?

Moltar: Space Ghost stole his girlfriend.

SG: That was a long time ago!

Zorack: (sarcastic) Way to go, SPACE GHOST.

SG: I was young…foolish.

Zorack: Now we’ll never have any decent guests, RICO SAUVE.

SG: (sighs) I thought those days would last forever…

(television set with HARRY POTTER lowers)

Harry: Space Ghost!

SG: Wha? Oh, hello.

Harry: Hey! Space Ghost…

SG: What?

Harry: You look a little down.

SG: (narrows eyes)

Harry: Sorry

SG: Alright. So, you’re a… ah, a super hero?

Harry: Uh, no, not really.

Zorack: He’s BRITISH.

SG: I can see that, Zorack.

Harry: (laughs) Well I am British

SG: But you’re not a Superhero?

Harry: Not exactly. I mean, not like you.

SG: Like me?

Zorack: Hey. I know I guy who lives in England. His name’s Dave.

Harry: (BEAT) Uh-huh.

Zorack: You know him?

Harry: Well…no, actually. I don’t know anyone named Dave.

Moltar: (watching Indiana Jones) Yes!

SG: Okay, wait. Let me think.

Harry: Okay.

SG: What was I going to ask you?

Harry: Um… you’re asking me?

SG: Yeeesss….

Harry: Well, er. Something about magic?

SG: Magic? No, I don’t think so.

Zorack: Do you have a broom?

Harry: I—

SG: Don’t answer that. (glares at Zorack)

Harry: Well… I do have a broom.

SG: Do you.

Zorack: Cause this floor is pretty…dirty.

Harry: Oh. Well, it looks okay to me.

Zorack: Well it’s not.

SG: I was going to…well, let me think.

Harry: (scrathes his neck)

SG: Oh—of course! You fly on a broom, don’t you?

Harry: Yes. Yes, I use a broom, when I um, when I play Quidditch, and also… well some other times.

SG: Uh-huh. Yeah, that’s what I meant. (BEAT) So, can we borrow it?

Harry: Oh, like—okay. But I don’t have it with me.

SG: You…don’t have it with you.

Zorack: Indiana Jones would have had a broom.

SG: Moltar!

Moltar: (watching movie)

SG: MOLTAR!

Harry: Moltar!

Zorack: Moltar!

Moltar: Shut up.

SG: Moltar are you still there?

Moltar: Shut up—this is the best part!

SG: Moltar we need a broom.

Moltar: I’m busy.

SG: Look at this place. I can’t do a show like this. Get me a broom!

Zorack: I’ll get you one.

SG: You will?

Zorack: Sure…what will you give me if I do?

SG: Ahh… (looks at Harry) You got anything?

Harry: Huh? Me? Okay—um, I have some gum.

Zorack: I’ll do it for gum.

Moltar: Gum?

(MOLTAR and ZORACK go to the store to find a broom)

Zorack: Baby formula… mayonaise….orange soda…

Moltar: I need batteries. Where are the batteries.

Zorack: Ah… we don’t have enough money.

Moltar: I’ve…got money.

Zorack: (skeptical) Where’d you get money from?

Moltar: Someone gave it to me.

Zorack: Who gave you money?

Moltar: A person.

Zorack: Space Ghost gave you money.

Moltar: Uhh… it mighta been him.

Zorack: How much to you have?

Moltar: I…don’t know. I lost it.

(BACK AT THE STUDIO:)

SG: So, I’m like, hey, Indy, SHE threw herself at ME.

Harry: Uh-huh

SG: And then it’s like, we don’t even talk to each other for the rest of the week

Harry: Gosh. And…you were friends?

SG: So suddenly he’s mad at me.

Harry: Maybe you should call him.

SG: I don’t think so.

Harry: Why not? Do you miss his friendship?

SG: Ehh… not really.

Harry: But he had those, those um, cool stones.

SG: Well… I don’t know anything about that.

Harry: And that whip. That was neat.

SG: Well… yeah. The whip. Sure.

Harry: (quiet for a minute) And, um…that hat.

SG: Harry. Anybody can wear a hat.

Harry: Yeah, but it looked cool on him.

SG: (scoffs)

( AT THE SUPERMARKET)

Zorack: Okay: BROOMS

Moltar: Why are there so many different…kinds.

Zorack: Just grab one

Moltar: I’m not good at making descisions.

Zorack: Look, YOUR ARMS WORK BETTER THAN MINE! PICK ONE!

Moltar: Uhh… okay. (picks up a broom)

Zorack: Not that one.

Moltar: Why not?

Zorack: It reminds me of Ted Danson.

Moltar: What? Why?

Zorack: Ted Danson had a broom like that.

Moltar: So what?

Zorack: Get the Cameron Diaz model

(AT THE STUDIO)

Harry: I should have brought my wand, I guess.

SG: Yeah…

Harry: We could have compared magic.

SG: Magic? Harry, I don’t do MAGIC. I do pain.

Harry: Pain—oh, wow.

SG; Well…when you say it like that…

Harry: But you’re not evil?

SG: (big sigh) NO, Harry. I’m not evil. Are you?

Harry: Um, no. Not really.

Zorack: Hey, SPACE GHOST.

SG: Oh, it’s Zorack. And Moltar.

(they ENTER)

SG: So…where’s the broom.

Zorack: Oh, yeah.

Moltar: We lost it.

SG: You…lost it?

Harry: Phew, that was fast.

Zorack: (to Harry) Stay out of this, kid

Harry: Oh—sorry.

SG: Can’t you two do ANYTHING??

Zorack: You’re the one who blew up the robots.

Moltar: Yeah.

SG: Zorack,

Zorack: What now?

SG: Get Indiana Jones on the phone

Moltar: All RIGHT

Harry: That’s the spirit.

Zorack: Here (hands SG a phone)

Gruff male voice on the phone: Hello?

SG: Ummm… Dr. Jones?

IJ: Speaking.

SG: …..Never mind. (hangs up)

Moltar: Let me talk to him.

SG: No one is talking to Indiana Jones on my show!

(phone rings)

(no one moves)

Zorack: Uhh… are you gonna get that?

SG: I don’t hear anything.

Harry: Come on, Space Ghost.

SG: (to Harry) Hey! Do you wanna fight?

Harry: I think you should answer your phone.

Moltar: (picks up phone) Hello?

SG: No fair!

Zorack: Ask him if he’s got a broom we can use.

Moltar: Uh, Indiana? Right. Yeah, sorry about that. Uh-huh.

Zorack: Ask him!

SG: Tell him he’s a big…stupid baby!

Moltar: Uhhh… you got a broom? Cause, we need one. You big stupid baby.

Zorack: No!

SG: Wait a minute…

Moltar: What? Oh, is that—uh, well—oh yeah?

Harry: What’d he say?

Moltar: He hung up.

SG: Good riddance.

Zorack: What about the broom?

Moltar: He said he was going to kill me.

SG: Good…riddance.

Harry: Uh-oh.

Moltar: Strangely I…don’t feel that threatened.

Brak: You guys need a broom?

SG: Now look what you’ve done!

Harry: Yeah, we need one.

SG: Don’t talk to him.

Brak: Cause I, I got a broom… and, I got one.

Zorack: Give it over.

Brak: I mean… hang on.

Moltar: He dosen’t have one.

SG: Brak

Brak: Space Ghost! Hey, how’s it goin’? Whew!

SG: Brak

Brak: Yes ma’am! I’m here. Alright!

SG: Brak, do you have a broom?

Brak: Well, I—

SG: Do you have one, Brak?

Brak: I got some brooms…around… not one that you can use, really. Um…

SG: You don’t have a broom, do you Brak?

Brak: Well, I… I mean, in a way I do. I have...some…things.

SG: Do you have a broom?

Brak: I… who ever said anything about brooms?! Jeepers!

Zorack: Why’d you have to blast the robots?

SG: Quit whining!

Zorack: My feet feel dirty!

(END CREDITS)

(HARRY and ZORACK, talking over credits:)

Zorack: So I know this other guy who lives in England

Harry: Do you?

Zorack: Yeah, I think his names’…. Mortimer…or something.

Harry: Oh… well that’s a—

Zorack: You know him?

Harry: No—

Zorack: He’s kind of…ugly

Harry: I’m sorry, I don’t know any Mortimers.

Zorack: Actually… I think he lives in…Chile.

Harry: Oh, okay. Well that explains it.

Zorack: You know a British guy named Spike?

Harry: I don’t think—

Zorack: He doesn’t live in England. But he’s Bristish.

Harry: Right. Well, no, that doesn’t ring any bells.

Zorack: What about Emily?

Harry: I do—I do know an Emily, yes.

Zorack: She British?

Harry: Yes.

Zorack: Not the same girl, then.

Harry: Oh.

END.